July 27, 2015

I woke up, meditated, and did back exercises. I pre-cooked a bunch of vegetables in preparation for the meals later in the week. When I was done, I took my crocheting project and walked down to the visit my PA friends.  Because they’re in the next campground over, it’s about a mile walk from where I was camped. I felt my stomach fill with butterflies, knowing that Frank would be there. When I got there he was off site picking up supplies. I hung out with the others. I crocheted while they intermittently finished setting up their camp. Eventually Frank arrived. After unloading the ice, he came over to sit near me and said “hi”. The tone of his voice and the implied expectation in it surprised me and melted my heart a bit. I decided to at least be conversable with him, rather than affect the air of wounded silence I had expected to feign. He had just gotten in the night before, so I crocheted and he set up his things. When he finished, everyone else had gathered around, so I was unable to really converse with him. He kept shooting me funny faces whenever he caught my eye. Only he reminded me of myself when I’m depressed and trying to smile – I never succeed in showing a genuine smile. It was similar. His silly face had something lacking – a jovial spirit perhaps? When I left, they were about to eat. He said it was good to see me with such sincerity, but I couldn’t make my voice sound genuine when I said “Yeah, you too.”

On my way back, I was suddenly ravenous, so I stopped by the campground grill and bought a burger (without the bun). I was still hungry when I finished it, but I didn’t want to spare the money for anything else. I had to make my funds last until the end of the week and I couldn’t remember where I put my emergency $100 bill.

Despite the warmth in his address, all I could think about was how big Frank was. His stomach was larger than I remembered (even though everyone said he had lost weight) and the unappealing rolls of back fat didn’t help. I also worried that he might not be intelligent and interesting enough to make his personality so attractive that it wouldn’t matter. I realized that while I’ve known him for years, it was really only on a superficial level. I walked back and went straight to bed.

—————————————————————————–

Relationships: I hung out with my PA friends.

Meditation:  I did meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 8 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked at least 2 miles.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: My tent was clean and clutter-free.

Hygiene:  I was showered today but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was really all over the place full of anticipation and uncertainty.  My temperament was good.

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