August 8, 2015

I awoke at 4am, flooded by the memories reminding me why Tim was a bad match for me. I remembered how he wasn’t a good teammate, how he put on a good face in public while ignoring me and shutting me out in private. How some of the things he said bordered on emotional abuse. Then the years when I put up the front of not caring about him while he got all the emotional support and I got all the blame. And I was angry. Angry at all I had to endure for the past two years on his account. Angry that because of him I was forever branded in our backpacking group as emotionally unstable. And most of all, I was angry that he was the one who had found someone to love him, someone to be with. How could some like that have someone when I don’t!?

Well, okay Universe, God, the fates, or whoever is calling the shots. You have officially taken everyone I had a chance with out of my reach. You have caused me to reckon everything with everyone. So where’s my fucking cookie!? I can’t believe I had to go through all this pain and shit for nothing. For no reason I had to go through it to get to the end of it. Now I’m at the fucking end of it. What now? I want my fucking cookie. I was the light at the end of the tunnel and it better not be a freight train. I don’t know if I could handle another one. But honestly, I don’t know what freight train could possibly come. I can’t say I’ve reconciled everything with everyone, but I think I’ve reckoned with it all, if there’s a difference.

I have also decided to tell John everything. From the beginning of my break-up with Tim onward. About Tim, Chris, Jack, our backpacking group, Jack’s girlfriend’s vigilance against me, everything. I don’t know how he will react but he as a right to know because it is affecting his group. I feel like I have caused so much trouble just trying to un-fuck my life. I will offer to leave if he thinks it is best. It may be. It’s his call at this point.

As I sit here writing this, I’m watching the remainder of my NY friends pack up. It’s sad to see everyone leave, knowing that it will probably be another year before seeing many of these friends again and that I spent so much time not able to enjoy their company because I had so much personal shit to work out. And soon I will return to my isolation. My apartment and my cats in a town with no friends. No one to cuddle with. No one to keep me warm at night. No one to be there for me if I need it, except over a long distance. I managed to find a peace in the solitude before I came here. Perhaps I will find it again. I do have things to look forward to. My retreat this coming weekend. Visiting Frank. A group of friends coming over next Sunday. My hypothetical trip to visit my sister. They may not be the light at the end of the tunnel, but at least they’re a flashlight. Hopefully they will beckon me on to better and brighter things.

I’m actually kind of bored as I write this. I’m waiting for my NY friends to finish packing up so I can say goodbye. I can’t eat because the power went off last night leaving the water too muddy to do dishes to cook breakfast. I can’t begin packing my things yet. I have to remove everything from my tent in order to take the tent down. The tent needs to be packed first, but the ground is full of dew, so I have to wait until it gets warmer. I suppose I can at least pack the trunk of my car. That doesn’t have to wait. I’m just hungry and sad. Sad to leave and sad to see my friends go. Still, it needs to be done, so I best get started.  My NY friends left.  I hugged Zack, Danielle, and Aaron and thanked them for being there for me.

It took me about 5 hours to completely pack up (with several breaks). I stopped by my backpacking group and said goodbye to the people who were left. Karen was still there.  She hugged me and told me that she thinks of me often. Owen praised me for keeping my emotional breakdowns to myself even though I didn’t. I really just kept them out of the backpacking group. I told him he’d see more of me now.  I didn’t tell him it was because Tim had moved in with his girlfriend and I didn’t have to worry about seeing him during Owen’s hikes. I let him think that it was because I moved again and now I lived somewhat closer.

I was really hungry so I drove down to the campground grill, but their menu was now very limited.  I ordered fries and got a large plate of them. I hadn’t eaten other than fruit since yesterday morning, so they really bothered my stomach. I continued my drive down to my PA friends. I set up my tent and showered. I’m tempted to camp there just for the shower!

While I had been up early and started packing early, they had just started to pack up their camp.  I put up my small backpacking tent so I didn’t have to walk all the way back at night when I was drunk.  I helped where I could, but Lynn let me borrow a book of hers to read when people were working on their own things.  As I read, it got slowly darker. They started by putting a wooden pallet on the fire. Their neighbors brought over all of their leftover wood. Kyle was the first one naked, but at least half the camp was naked or at least topless by the time I was drunk.   We had naked guys cooking hot dogs and Jiffy Pop in the fire. I got in an argument and somehow thought taking off my shirt would prove my point better, so I hung out in my bra. It was too hot for a shirt anyway. And honestly, I was probably the best proportioned person there, so why not? Who knew it took seeing half a dozen naked females in real life to make me feel so much better about my body?  I was talking to someone and Ashley came over and undid my bra exposing my breasts. I left them out for about five minutes, then put the bra back on. Then I put the shirt back on. Then I went over to Frank and asked if he wanted to come with me to my tent, with the intent of just cuddling with him. He turned me down. I went in my tent and went to bed.

—————————————————————————————

Finances: I spent $25 on a gift for my step-dad.

Relationships: I hung out with various people.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 6 hours last night.

Exercise:  I expended a lot of energy packing up today.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I was showered, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was sad to say goodbye to so many friends.  I was afraid of returning to the “real world” and being lonely after being so close to my friends for so long. As I drank, my mood improved.  My temperament was good.

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