August 7, 2015

I dreamed last night that Frank and I were in a house, sleeping in the same bed when we heard the noise of obvious intruders. He grabbed a shotgun, but couldn’t pull the trigger. So I took it and hit every intruder. The weird thing was the bullet holes were tiny and didn’t kill any of them, not even the one I shot in the neck.

Then I dreamed that Tim’s girlfriend kept goading me into trying to kill her. I tried hitting her in the head with a stick and it just bounced off. So I dug my thumb into her eye socket. Her eye went several inches back and I thought she was dead. Her eye popped back into place so I grabbed my small utility knife.   She forced me to dig it straight through the palm of her hand. Then she forced me to do it through her other palm.

Yesterday I basically came to terms with the fact that nothing was going to happen with either Frank or Tim. Today, not so much. I am looking forward to my talk with Tim so I can get it over with and stop thinking about all that could happen. My mind has run the full gambit of possibilities from him telling me he’s staying with his girlfriend to him spending the night in my tent, which I’m not sure I could even in good conscience let him do. I’ll see if I can make the talk happen today just so I can at least stop the wondering and waiting.

I strapped on my pack and left early to meet my backpacking friends where they had camped in the woods last night.  We completed the loop and returned to our various camps.  I showered and picked up a gift for my mom at the flea market. I ran into Tim who remembered that I wanted to speak to him and said he’d stop by when he was done packing up.  My heart sunk when he said he missed sleeping in his own bed. I debated changing my mind about talking to him, but I thought it was best to go through it to get to the end of it.

I packed up some stuff around my camp to try and pass the time. I cleaned out my cooler. Then I ran out of stuff to do, so I ate some oranges. He came and I said what he said the other night really messed with my head. Then I started to cry. He said that he was sorry. He had no idea that I still cared about him. I also told him that it was unfair to both me and his girlfriend to say the things he did the other night.   He stated that he was only trying to make me feel better by saying that he still cared about me a bit. A bit. That one hurt. He eventually got that I still cared. He told me that when I told him two years ago that I didn’t love him anymore that he took me at my word because I don’t lie. I told him that I couldn’t live with him anymore and that I told him what I needed to say to make him go away. I cried. A lot. I don’t know what I expected to happen. Maybe some kind of closure, but he gave me NOTHING. There was no affirmation, there was no refusal, he just said he was sorry. Repeatedly.

He tried to change the subject and said he enjoyed hanging out with me the other day. I told him it was because I had stupid ideas. He tried to get me to elaborate by saying that ideas are never stupid. I told him this one was. The subject dropped. What was I supposed to do? Tell the guy about to drive home to his girlfriend that I contemplated getting back together with him? I cried some more, than shook while crying. He said he was leaving to go “home” which made me cry more. He gave me a long hug. I cried while shaking. The hug lasted a long time. Then he was gone.

I went up to my NY friends crying. Aaron hugged me for awhile and stroked my hair. Everyone else was busy packing up, so I visited Danielle in her tent. I told her what happened and cried some more. I elaborated more on the things that he told me the other night. She affirmed that he was wrong to say them. I complained about the lack of closure, but realized that I probably shocked the hell out of him by what I said. She reminded me that even though we had both grown a lot over the past two years, that we’d probably still be bad together. I told her that he reminded me how we both brought out the best in each other the other night. She said we never would have gotten together otherwise. But that we’d still be bad together. It helped a bit, but I still cried at the drop of a hat for the rest of the night.

I stopped by my backpacking group on my way down to visit my PA friends to say goodbye to Owen and his wife in case they were leaving today. It turned out they weren’t.  Karen hugged me because she wasn’t sure if she was going to see me before she left and I broke down crying again. She offered to listen if I wanted to talk about it. I thanked her and declined. I could feel Owen looking at me. I could tell he was going to ask me later. I’m not sure if I should tell him. I know I’m going to tell John, but I’m not sure if it would be fair to tell Owen since he’s still friends with both me and Tim.

I continued down to my PA friends. I was able to maintain my composure until Jennifer asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. I told her that hugging me would cause me to cry, but she did it anyway. I wrote in my journal for awhile, crying silently as I did so. Then Frank came over stating that he still wanted to be my friend. I read into his statement and told him it had nothing to do with him. He interrupted me and said that he wanted to be my friend if I wanted to talk. He offered to hug me if it wouldn’t cause me to break down. I said it would, so he scratched my head and I said I didn’t want to talk about it. What the hell would I tell him!? I still held onto the hope that maybe eventually we would get together, so what could I say about it to him?

Then I started thinking about it. I could give an altered version of the story. I could say everything that was said the other night and state that I sent him home to his girlfriend. But would be being this upset about it kill any chance of an “us” between me and Frank?  Or would confiding in him be better? Maybe there is just no chance of an “us” and I’m just deluding myself.

I started to calm down, to participate in conversations. Then the marshmallow war started. It quickly lost its fun when I got a sticky marshmallow caught in my hair. I continued until I got sweaty and tired. I guess backpacking today wore me out more than I thought, because almost everyone else seemed to have more stamina than me. I had another cup of cider and came to find out that I was drunk. I hadn’t eaten much and was told after the fact that it was 12% alcohol.

Frank realized that I was trying to catch his eye because I was ready to talk and came over. I told him that Tim and I got really drunk the other night. That I started with the whole “I wanna have kids” thing I tend to do when I get drunk. That he said he still loved me but he also loved his girlfriend. That he wanted to have kids with me and she didn’t want them. That he reminded me of all the good times we had together. Frank said he was surprised to see the two of us together (he did get jealous?). I told him that I sent Tim back to his girlfriend and that it was really hard because he essentially offered everything that I wanted; marriage, kids. Then I realized that it was actually true. When I reiterated that the idea I had of me and Tim getting back together was stupid, I really did send him back to his girlfriend.   He mentioned the fact that Tim was someone that I used to have feelings for, but I made light of it and said it was because he offered me everything that I wanted and that I turned it down. And that I did the right thing, but it was hard. I told Frank that I needed to find someone, to get to know them and take things slowly. That I tended to rush into things, as he knows. I even went so far as to say that he made the right call last week. At one point, just to gauge his feelings, I said something (I don’t remember what) and ended it with “because I’m so pretty.” The look on his face showed that he did think I’m pretty. I had to confirm it. I said, “So you think I’m pretty?” He immediately changed the subject. I amended my statement “…pretty and messed up.” He said it was understandable with everything that I had been through. I thanked him for being my friend. His arm was sore from the marshmallow war, so I offered to massage it. He let me. I thanked him for giving me something else to focus on. I downed some water and left not long afterward. While I would like more, it’s nice to know that I have a good friend in him.  Eventually I walked back and went to bed.

————————————————————————————-

Finances: I spent $9 on cigarettes today.

Relationships: I hung out with various people.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 8 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked and backpacked today.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I showered and brushed my teeth.

Mood and temperament: Today I started in an okay mood with determination to backpack.  I was nervous for the hours I waited for Tim.  I was upset after he left.  I felt oddly calm before bed.  My temperament was good.

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