As I went to bed last night, I prayed for guidance as I slept. I prayed for an answer of what to do. Why not? It had worked before. When I awoke, I was still as lost as before. I awoke still shaking, still crying, but less so than yesterday. I thought about how to talk to Tim about it. I thought about telling him that our conversation the other night really messed me up. That it was unfair of him to awaken those feelings which I had worked so long to bury when he is happy with someone else. It’s all true too.
I also awoke with bad back pain. I didn’t care how much it hurt, I was going to backpack today. I hoped I’d get hurt. Some physical pain to drown out the emotional. Maybe Tim would see me hurt and realize how much he cared. I am so fucked up. And that’s how I got Tim’s attention before, by being sick or in need of his help. It was the best and sometimes the only way of getting his attention. Until it wasn’t. And here I am, falling back in the same pattern again.
I just want to go to sleep so I don’t have to feel anymore. Instead, I went through the motions. I made breakfast. I put on my backpack and walked to meet my backpacking group. It was only with a significant effort and focus that I could stop myself from visibly shaking, though I still felt shaky. I stood off to one side, not socializing in order to keep my focus. It was tougher than usual to keep up on the up hills as we walked into the woods.
I again decided to sleep in my own tent back at the campground. Sure, it was extra walking after an exhausting day, but I really didn’t need anyone from my backpacking group to see the emotional mess I was turning into, least of all Tim.
After I showered, I walked down to visit my PA friends. It was like all my problems went away while I was down there. They let me stay for dinner and the food was fantastic. They tried to get me to camp with them next year. It WAS a far walk, but I still found myself doing it almost every day anyway. As the sun went down, my shaking returned, even though I wasn’t cold. I walked back to my tent and fell asleep.
Finances: I spent $9 on cigarettes today.
Relationships: I hung out with various people.
Meditation: I did not meditate today.
Sleep: I slept for 8 hours last night.
Exercise: I walked and backpacked today.
Diet: I followed my diet today.
De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.
Hygiene: I showered, but did not brush my teeth.
Mood and temperament: Today was another mixed bag for moods. It was good to be backpacking again, but then there were things with Frank and Tim on my mind. I was not emotionally sound. My temperament was good.