August 5, 2015

I awoke shaking. I got up and told Danielle a shortened version of what happened last night. She suggested I write a letter to Tim and wait a few days before I give it to him. I wasn’t sure I would. What if I put myself out there and he chose her? What if he chooses me and it doesn’t work again? I could just stuff it back down and let him have the happiness he deserves. Live my life as best as I can. Or should I give him the choice? I know he’d want it, but opening myself up to being hurt by him again is just too hard. It would be nice to know for sure.

I couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I repacked my backpack and walked down to the flea market just for something to keep myself to preoccupied.  While I didn’t need to, I walked past the camp with my backpacking friends.  I didn’t plan on stopping in, but I did it in the hopes that I would see Tim. I wanted to see his reaction to me sober.

While I was working my repacking my backpack, George, the kid who helped me carry stuff last week stopped by. He told me he was having typical 18-year-old reactions. “Is there anything I can do to repay you?” I thanked him, but told him he was too young for me. I told him that I’m 35. He didn’t care, but I did. He left not long afterwards.

I started my walk and ran into Tim on his way to the bathroom. I told him where I was headed and he offered to come too.   I assented.  I told him I needed to get food. We talked and picked up old jests. Every time he referenced his living situation, I got depressed. At one point he said he’d get the divorce as soon as he got the money. My heart just sunk. I couldn’t finish my food. He said it was what I had always wanted (the divorce). I told him it was. I don’t know if he caught what I was referencing or not because he changed the subject. After that I was headed to my PA friends and asked if he wanted to come with me. Surprisingly, he did. We ran into Frank who was headed up to volunteer at the campground. It was awkward to say the least. I saw the warmth in Frank’s eyes when he looked at me whereas I only saw coldness from Tim. When we got to the my PA friends’ camp, I started feeling “off”. It’s the only way to describe it. My head wasn’t fuzzy or achy or light-headed, but it wasn’t right. My stomach wasn’t hungry, upset, grumbling, nauseous, or anything definable, but it wasn’t right. I started walking, but had to do so slowly. I still chose to not take the bus because I wanted to spend the time with Tim. I felt worse and worse. I was afraid I’d faint or throw up even though I wasn’t nauseous. I was afraid I wouldn’t faint or throw up. I requested to stop and see how Frank was doing. I may have been playing them off of each other to see who got jealous, but Frank already turned me down and Tim clearly wasn’t interested when he was sober.

I showed Tim the alternate way home Frank showed me. He said he’d have to start taking it himself. I pointed out that he’d have to backtrack a bit to get back to our backpacking groups’ camp. He said that didn’t matter because it was better for his knees. I hoped that meant I’d be seeing more of him. He dropped me off, counseling that I take a nap before our meeting tonight and continued on to my NY friends. I saw that we had less than an hour before mustering for the meeting and made my way to the bus. When I got off the bus, I saw Frank walk by. I told him I was feeling off and he counseled that I skip the meeting and get rest. Before he left, he said he’d still invite me to his cookout that he was planning when he got home, but I told him it was unlikely that I’d have a weekend free. He then asked about local hiking groups for him on a Wednesday or a Thursday. I felt very happy that I had just talked to someone the other day about the Thursday one. Frank invited me to come down and go to the hiking group with him. It was nice that he wanted to hang out with me outside of this camping event.  We really only saw each other once a year. It almost seemed like he was still interested in me. Just what I needed, more complications. I had two uncertain options for me. At his recommendation, I took the bus back and went to sleep.

I awoke shaking and crying three hours later. I still felt “off”. I went to Zack and Danielle because I needed hugs. I couldn’t stop shaking. I sobbed as they hugged me. Then returned to camp to write everything down. I’m still shaking. I still feel “off”. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about any of it, but I’m oddly calmer now.

I have two questions: is this the prelude to me and Tim getting back together? Or is it removing the final roadblock to me getting happily together with Frank? I can’t believe that I’ve gone through all this shit that I’ve been through without an ultimate happy ending/reward. Because the alternative is just too bleak to consider.

————————————————————————————–

Finances: I spent $12 on food today.

Relationships: I hung out with various people.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 7 hours last night plus a 3 hour nap.

Exercise:  I walked today.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I showered, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: Today was another mixed bag for moods.  I was happy initially be hanging out with Tim.  Then things changed and I found the things he said depressing.  Then I was confused by Frank’s reaction to everything.  My depression got worse as the day progressed and the shaking scared me.  My temperament was good.

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