August 4, 2015

I awoke a few times, half dreaming that I heard Frank’s belt. I dreamed that someone gave me four movie tickets and told me to get the other three to someone who makes me wet. I told him one lived near Philadelphia and one lived (I don’t remember what I said). There was no third and none of them wanted to go to the movies with me anyway. He disappeared.

I awoke shaking again. My back was sore, but not like yesterday. I debated about backpacking today. My mind thought about hanging out with Frank outside of camping, after we both went home, of possibly becoming fuck-buddies. He never said he didn’t like me. He only said that he didn’t want a relationship/a long-distance relationship. Or am I just holding onto things that I need to let go of?

I had been up for less than an hour, but I already felt myself on the verge of tears. But I put on my pack and met up with my backpacking group.  One thing that I like about the way this campground is set up is that the backpacking trail essentially loops around the campground.  If I wanted to be hardcore, I could hike the whole thing and camp on the trail or I could head back to my (much more comfortable and well-outfitted) campsite each night.  I still enjoyed hanging out with Frank and the rest of my PA friends, so I decided to go back to my tent that night, especially since we always took Wednesday off of backpacking anyway.  I went down to visit my PA friends, but they were preparing for their dinner. I helped to chop the onions and left to prepare my own dinner before heading to my backpacking group’s one party.  They always held it on Tuesday night specifically because there was no backpacking done on Wednesday, so we could all nurse our hangovers if we needed to.

What actually happened, I never could have expected. I started the night talking to the people I was on good terms with. When I felt socially awkward, I pulled out my camera and started taking pictures. Then the head of the group started to lecture.  Jack is not the head of the group, he was just in charge of the backpacking portion this year.  The actual head of the group is John. He often recognizes a few people who had done notable feats in the past year, usually backpacking-related.  He started talking about me.  About how I had grown as a person. How I had a very rough year. I started crying then. He went on to say how I took responsibility for my mistakes (which I don’t remember doing) and how I worked to grow and improve. I thought that I had sunk in people’s esteem too much and caused too much trouble. I cried for awhile, amidst hugs and congratulations.

I hung out and drank, but people slowly disappeared, either to bed or to party elsewhere. There was a small group left, including my “ex-husband”, Tim. We split up two years ago on this backpacking trip, but never got officially divorced. Finally, it was just me and Tim left. We talked. It turned out that he never called me a psycho bitch, which Kevin claimed he did. We talked about everything that went wrong. About everything that was good. What we missed about each other. About how we had grown. He told me that he still loved me, but that he loved his girlfriend too. He told me he wanted to have kids with me and that his girlfriend didn’t want them. He told me that my t-shirt brought out the blue in my eyes and how my body was beautiful. How I was beautiful. I started to wonder if we were able to start again now, would we be able to work out? I had to keep telling myself that he just moved in with his girlfriend. That they are happy together. That it would be unfair of me to tell him that through everything, I still loved him. That because he also brought out the worst in me, it was better to be apart. I told the lie about not loving him so much, there were times I started to believe it myself. I spent the last two years trying desperately to prove it. I used other people as they used me—as a band-aid to cover a wound that would not heal. I didn’t want the night to end. I wanted to keep him talking forever. Eventually, he said he had to go to bed. We hugged for a long time then he looked at me. I really wanted him to kiss me. He did not. When I returned to my tent, I started to cry. My body heaved with large sobs at the things he said. At my wanting.

—————————————————————————————

Finances: I spent no money today.

Relationships: I hung out with various people.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked and backpacked today.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I showered, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: Today was another mixed bag for moods.  It was good to be backpacking again, but then there were things with Frank on my mind.  Then John made that speech about how far I had come, that made me feel good.  Then the things Tim said made me feel good and hurt all at once.  My temperament was good.

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