August 3, 2015

I dreamed I was in a Doctor Who episode. In the dream, every time I hung out with Lynn and her very flirty friend Megan, I forgot what happened – even if we weren’t drinking. The Doctor came along and me and my dad helped him solve something. The Doctor invited me to come with him. I declined. I woke up with an intense feeling of loneliness. I, like the Doctor, am always on the move, never really able to make lasting connections with anyone. I also awoke shaking (not shivering), a sign that my depression was bad that day. When I tried to get up, I realized that my back was bad too. I could certainly not backpack.  I struggled just to stand up. I smoked a cigarette and tried to steel myself so I could tell Jack, who was the leader of my backpacking group, without crying. He wasn’t there, but my friend Jim was. He gave me a long hung. Jack’s girlfriend (who hates me) went to get him. I just wanted to tell him and leave. He insisted on talking about fun and what makes me happy. He admitted that he only had one backpacking trip in the past three years that was fun. I admitted that it was a three part problem for me – my back, my emotional issues, and my issues with our backpacking group.

When I got back to my tent, I gathered Lynn’s clothes, compiled a short letter to Frank, and walked to their camp when I knew nobody would be awake. I left Lynn’s clothes where she would find them, but wouldn’t get wet in case it rained. I steeled myself for the second time today and dropped the letter in Frank’s tent without looking in or seeing where it landed. I walked away with adrenaline pumping – determined to not return to this camp for the rest of my stay. The note was to this effect:

I like you. I enjoyed spending time with you during the first week. However, I now feel like I’m bothering you. I will back off. If you want to hang out, you know how to find me.

I spent the rest of the trip back debating if it were the right thing to do. He may not even find it, but it’s done. I was kind of using him like a panacea for my other issues. I also let him know in no uncertain terms that I like him and that I’m interested, but that the ball was in his court. The “bothering him” part sounds a bet self-degrading, but I think it’s important for him to know what kind of signals he was giving (or I was receiving, depending on your point of view). Whenever I woke last night, I half dreamed of hearing his belt in the distance, but either I was dreaming or it was something else I heard.

I took a four hour nap. I had hoped for a change in either back pain or mood, but it seems neither did.

Jack stopped by to tell me I made the right choice by not backpacking today. It was a tough section, mostly uphill in driving humidity ending in a rain storm.  Instead of camping on the trail as usual, they walked back to the campground.  I think it was meant to make me feel better, but it didn’t. Not long after Jack arrived, Frank stopped by. Jack left shortly after. Frank said he’s not looking for a relationship, that we’re two different personalities because he’s here for the parties and I backpack. He also said he had issues with long-distance relationships, from his past. His parents have been pushing him to have a relationship, to have kids. I told him his “wanting to get to know me better” think was very misleading” He continued on to say that he wants to be friends and that his camp loves me, so I shouldn’t stop coming down there. He seemed surprised that I wasn’t more upset. He asked if I was okay and I said yes. Thankfully, the cigarette I was smoking kept my emotions in check. He gave me a long hug. I reaffirmed my friendship and he left.

To be fair, I just jumped into things , as I tend to do. I probably scared him. He shouldn’t be pushed and I probably was doing that I guess. I’ve just had so much shit to deal with that I felt like I deserved something good to happen to me. I still cried about Frank, but I’m glad I was able to wait until he left. Do I have that much past kharma to deal with? Do I make my own shit? I don’t know. I’m just tired of being lonely. It’s easier at home when I have an excuse for it. There are over 1,000 people here and I feel alone save for Zack and Danielle. I know I have friends in my backpacking group, but I don’t want to go there and create drama. I’ve done that enough. My PA friends aren’t actual friends, not in that sense. They’re just about drinking and having a good time. The good time part is admirable. I grew out of that kind of partying a long time ago. I know some of the things that I want, but how do I go about getting them? I want so many things. And I just feel so lost. When I woke up from my nap, I wanted to leave. Just pack up and go home. My back wasn’t up for it. Right now, I kinda want to again. My tent is wet and it looks like it’s going to rain again, so I can’t. The other night, I prayed for help with Frank. Maybe that’s why it was so cold and Frank ended up babysitting Megan’s husband who was on a bad acid trip. It’s funny, Frank was friendlier with me today than he had been. Maybe he was pushing himself too. I decided to sequester myself in my tent and pray until I got an answer. I just repeated “Tell me what to do.” Here’s what I came up with:

  • go to my backpacking friends and hang out
  • stay at the campground and stick things out
  • backpack
  • no one can hurt you without your permission
  • after you get home: bide your time, fulfill your obligations, do your best to live your life and take care of yourself.

I started shaking then felt moved to grab my pendant and repeated “I am worthy of love” as the tears pointed down my face.

I also wrote “I lost my muchness. How do I find my muchness?”  The Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland sequel has a portion where Alice is accused of losing her “muchness”.  I feel the same way.  I feel like the things that had once made me me are now diminished, so I’m less of myself, somehow.  I brainstormed about how to find my “muchness”.

  • by going through the motions until it returns
  • make and work on a bucket list
  • make a list of things that makes me happy/content and do at least one every day
  • develop healthier coping mechanisms
  • avoid triggers (make a list)
  • by seeing setbacks as challenges.

After my emotional prayer, I came through to the end of my emotional episode. I went to my backpacking group and tried to be sociable. I got to help someone playing a game solve a cryptogram, so that was fun. I left when Jack pointed out the lightening in the distance and suggested I batten down my tent for weather.

When I was done, I hung out with my NY friends until the thunder started. Aaron hung out with me under my awning as I shook while it thundered. We had good conversations until the thunder ceased and he was ready to go to bed.


Finances: I gave Zack and Danielle $20 to pay for ice and water for the rest of the trip.

Relationships: I hung out with various people.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 7 hours than took a 4 hour nap.

Exercise:  I walked today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: My tent was clean and tidy.

Hygiene:  I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: My mood went from bad to worse.  I started off depressed because I could not backpack with my back in its current condition and convinced that things were getting worse with Frank.  Then I ended up in a very bad depression where I decided to pray rather than cut myself.  I don’t know what motivated me to pray.  I believe in something, but I’m not terribly religious.  My temperament was good.


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