August 13, 2015

I slept in today and again felt very low motivation.  I spent a fair amount of time typing up my journals from my camping trip.  That didn’t help my depression.  As I reread and typed up my week with Frank, I got sad.  Things started out so well.  It seemed like when the rest of his camp showed up, he changed his mind about me.  Not that I blame them at all.  It was something else that changed his mind.  I don’t think he changed it about me more than he changed his mind about having a relationship with me.  Why am I still thinking about him?  I know why I’m still communicating with him.  He’s been a good friend and I enjoy talking to him.  But at the same time, I haven’t lost hope of being with him.  I wonder if he feels it too.  We talked about the sexual things we into.  And the things he likes to do fits really well with the things I like to do.  Scarily well.  I over-analyzed why he would talk about those things with me.  Could it mean he hasn’t given up on me yet?  That he wanted to get to know me better still?

I also chatted a bit with Kevin who I managed to convince to come with me to the same retreat.  I spent much of my time online again.  I looked forward to getting to be around people again tomorrow.  I looked forward to hopefully having a life-changing moment as I usually do when I attend these retreats.  My life needs a change.  I could not get back into the level of contented solitude that I had found before my camping trip.  Maybe it’ll help with that too!


Finances: I spent $20 on fast food.

Relationships: I hung out with Kevin and Frank online

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I really didn’t exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today, but only a small amount.

Hygiene:  I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: I was depressed and unmotivated throughout the day. My temperament was good.


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