August 11, 2015

I awoke knowing that I dreamed of Frank.  He seems to be in my dreams a lot, even if it’s just the sound of his voice or him walking.  I hugged my other pillow and thought about needing to learn to “self soothe”.  For those of you who don’t know, it’s a term used to describe a stage where a baby reaches 6 months old and they are supposed to sleep through the night.  Some do, some don’t.  But there is a school of thought that allowing them to stay up and cry until they fall asleep is teaching them to self-soothe.  While this may be an odd notion for babies, I want to learn how to soothe myself.  It’s been too long since I had someone who was able to do it for me.  The notion of self-soothing is sad.  It means that someone is so alone that all they have is themselves.  It reminded me of what Frank said the other week when I had a hangover, “I will take care of you” and wrapped me in his arms.  I want someone like that.  I have been taking care of myself for so long.  I don’t need to be babied or coddled, I just want someone to spoil me for a little while every now and then like I would like to spoil him.

I was depressed today.  I visited my friend Rebecca today.  She asked me to call her because she wanted to invite me to some thing.  In the call, it was clear I was not doing emotionally well, so she invited me to come over.  I didn’t see myself actually getting anything done today, so I went.  She has a degree in social work and agreed to play counselor to me again.  I told her about what happened with both Frank and Tim when I was camping.

We got on a tangent about my childhood.  I hadn’t mentioned it all that much in my blogs because I have been trying to focus on overcoming my past rather than dwelling on it, which I had spent years doing.  My mom was a stay-at-home-mom who was also un-diagnosed mentally ill.  While she meant well in everything that she did, it still resulted in a significant amount of emotional abuse.  I held a grudge against her for years.  My dad focused on his work rather than his shoddy home life, so he had no idea what was going on.  My sisters didn’t speak to my mom for years.  The only reason I still spoke to her was because my uncle actually paid me to spend time with her.  Since I was a poor college student at the time and could use the money, I accepted it.  My sisters both stated that nobody could pay them enough money to spend time with her.  After my parents had split up, I was really the only one who saw my mom’s decline.  I was the only who saw her depression became full psychotic episodes where she saw people that weren’t there and imagined an impressive plot against her from her sister.  And finally, how a desperate voicemail she left her sister became a reason to commit her to a mental institution.  When she was released, she was heavily medicated.  Her hands shook, she did everything exceedingly slowly, and she was very boring to talk to.  She stated that she still saw the people that weren’t there, but that they didn’t bother her anymore.  My grudge dissolved into pity.  Despite the things her medication caused her to become, it was still better than the woman who raised us.  Eventually, my sisters agreed to see her after my description of everything that she had been through and what the medication had made her become.

Rebecca told me about how those who had become emotionally abused have become almost fanatic about finding “the one”, a mate to spend their lives with.  Well, that certainly described me.  I contacted someone else I know who was also fanatic about finding “the one”.  I asked if he had been emotionally abused.  He seemed to think he had.  It solidified what Rebecca had told me.  I wondered what I would do with this information.  Would I give up?  How could I?  Rebecca invited me to stay for dinner and I got home in time to get to bed.

————————————————————————————————–

Finances: I spent $3 on a few tolls to visit Rebecca.

Relationships: I hung out with Rebecca and later her husband.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 6 hours last night, on and off.

Exercise:  I really didn’t exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: I was depressed, but being around a friend helped a bit.  My temperament was good.

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