August 10, 2015

I slept horribly last night.  The sounds here were wrong.  I was so used to the sounds of sleeping outdoors that even though I slept with the windows open, the sounds were still wrong.   I awoke around 5am feeling sad and missing the campground.  I missed everybody that was there.  Frank most of all.

I went to my mom’s house to do laundry and retrieve my cats.  They were busy with their own dependent concerns when I was there, so I started typing up my journal so I could fix it up and put it in this blog.  It made me very sad.  I missed everyone and as I recalled my time spent with Frank in vivid detail, it made things more painful.

As I drove home, my heart hurt.  It wasn’t the unbearable throbbing pain of a broken heart, just the dull ache of missing someone that wasn’t there.  Did I really feel that for Frank?  Or was it just the general loneliness of missing my friends that I was able to spend two weeks with?  I talked to Frank on the computer a bit and it seemed to help.  He doesn’t want a relationship, so why can’t I move on from him?   I also took him up on his offer for me to come visit to go hiking, even though the fact that I really don’t party and he really doesn’t hike seemed to be one of his reasons for not getting together.  He is looking into starting to hike.  I’ll be going out there in three weeks.  It seems like a long time, but I’m looking forward to it.  I don’t know why.  It’s probably going to be a platonic friend thing and then I will go home extremely disappointed.  I guess I am just wishing on the off chance that something does happen.  Expectations breed disappointment, but I can’t seem to stop them in this case.

I went to a meeting to discuss the successes/failures of the camping trip.  It seemed a bit soon to me, but I stayed until the end while most people left on Friday and Saturday.  It was still a dull meeting, despite my interest in the subject matter.  I got to talk to a friend afterwards and told him what had happened, both with me and Frank and with me and Tim.  He said what Tim did was unfair.  He said Frank is just taking awhile to make up his mind and that he’s afraid.  I hope he’s right!

—————————————————————————–

Finances: I spent $30 on gas and a few tolls to visit my mom.

Relationships: I hung out with my one friend at the meeting.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept for 6 hours last night, on and off.

Exercise:  I really didn’t exercise today.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: I was depressed and struggled to be a good guest and chat politely with my mom.  My temperament was good.

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