July 9, 2015

My dad, step-mom, and I went hiking.  It wasn’t exactly what I think of when I think of hiking, but it was still neat.  It was a watery ecological preserve, so the whole “hike” was done on boardwalks.  It was very flat and it wasn’t very long.  It was only 1.2 miles.  It was neat seeing and learning about the various water plants that are not native to my region of the United States.

When we got home, we went swimming in their pool.  I went inside to use the bathroom and stopped to check if Oliver had messaged me.  He had.  He told me that he wasn’t over his ex-wife enough to be in a serious relationship or have a girlfriend.  Never mind the fact that their divorce was final 3 years ago!  I was immediately upset and angry. I didn’t realize how much I had cared about him until it all came crashing down.  I was also angry.  I fucking flew here to see this guy and here he fucking drops this bomb on me!?  I started to cry.  I knew my dad and step-mom would be wondering where I was, but I really couldn’t make myself stop crying long enough to go outside and tell them I was done swimming.  I finally did though.  I blamed my red eyes on the chlorine.  They came inside with me so I took a long shower to expel more tears.

Then I made a difficult decision.  I decided to go ahead and hang out with Oliver anyway.  We had plans and I didn’t want to explain everything to my dad.  I knew I couldn’t do it without crying and I didn’t want him to realize that my primary reason for coming to visit him when I did was to meet Oliver.  I assumed Oliver and I would just follow through with our dinner plans and our awkward night would end.  It started with me being quiet and injured.  That didn’t last long when he first took me to a shop he thought I would like.  By the time we got to dinner, we were downright friendly with each other.  Our night still didn’t end there.  He took me out to a mini-golf course where I made bad jokes about balls and holes and threatened violence on him with my golf club.  Halfway though, he talked about how much he loved moving and talked about all of the wonderful experiences he had in different places.  It was like he flicked a switch on my depression and my reaction was immediate.  Tears came to my eyes and sheer force of will kept them at bay.  Surprisingly Oliver noticed the shift quickly and said something.  I tried to explain it the best I could.

After mini-golf, he took me to his favorite beach spot.  We watched lightening from far away and left when it got closer.  After that we went to his place to play a board game.  He had to work early in the morning, so he dropped me off around 11pm.   I don’t understand.  It seemed like a pretty good date.  It really seemed like he kept coming up with more things to do so he could spend more time with me.  Maybe I’m just in denial, but I thought we had fun together.

————————————————————————————————–

Relationships:  I tried to be sociable with my dad and step-mom.  I even was sociable with Oliver.

Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 10 hours last night.

Exercise:  I “hiked” for about 1.5 miles.

Diet: I followed my diet, except for dinner when I had noodles.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  n/a because I’m not home

Hygiene:  I showered today but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament:  My mood fluctuated a lot today.  It went from happy to depressed a few times in a very short duration of time. My temperament was good.

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