My morning meditation did not go well today. I could not focus, so what usually takes me 40 minutes took me an hour. I also felt a heaviness in my chest, mostly on the left side, but partially on the right. Even though I woke up on my own, which means I must have slept enough, I found it more difficult to get things completed today. When I weighed myself, I had lost 2 more pounds. I couldn’t get excited about this fact for some reason. Maybe it’s because I have so much further to go!
My schedule got messed up because I had to stop by work and complete some paperwork. By the time I got to my workout, it was noon, sunny, over 90 degrees, and humid. And I had decided that today I was going to start running. After a warm-up walk, I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could. It wasn’t long. I had a few brief spurts of running, then I felt that same heaviness in my chest that I felt this morning in my meditation. I contemplated giving up, wondering if there was a real problem. I decided to walk until it went away and it did, but it came back every time I ran.
I think I may have overdone it with my run in those conditions. When I got back, I was hot, sticky, and completely unmotivated. I ate something and spent some time online. Then I fell asleep for two hours! When I awoke I was significantly more depressed and less motivated. Things went downhill from there. I messaged Oliver and told him I was depressed. I explained how I see things negatively using an example of a friend I had chatted with that day. He suggested that I might have paranoia. I looked online for symptoms, but concluded that since I am capable of trusting people and I don’t think people are out to get me, I’m not paranoid.
I didn’t hear back from him and was afraid my mental illness scared him off. It wouldn’t be the first time someone got scared off by it. So I gave him some time and ordered food. After I ate, I felt so much better! I started to wonder if the depression was caused by a nutrient deficiency. If so, I couldn’t figure out what it could be based on the meal. It had tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, chicken, rice noodles and a cilantro sauce. To drink I had a mixture of lemon juice, grapefruit juice, lime juice, ginger, with agave syrup and a mint leaf. With so many good-for-me things, I had no idea which one was the key to making me feel better.
I chatted a bit with Kevin and then decided to call Oliver to get it over with. Surprisingly, things were fine! I decided not to mention it and neither did he. He was having his own problems with his landlord. I complained about mine. The water in my kitchen sink wasn’t working today. We both couldn’t wait to get out of our current living situations. I told him all about the state where I live with the hiking and camping. I told him about the beautiful mountains and which ones I climbed. I guess my descriptions were favorable because he said, jokingly (I think), that he wanted to move here. So I jokingly asked if he wanted a roommate. We launched into a conversation of ideal living situations and what they would be. Hypothetically, of course.
Meditation: I meditated today.
Sleep: I slept 7 hours last night.
Exercise: I walked and ran.
Diet: I followed my diet, except for dinner. I had some rice noodles and sugar.
De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today.
Hygiene: I brushed my teeth today.
Mood and temperament: I became increasingly depressed throughout the day until I talked to Oliver, then it improved. My temperament was good.