June 22, 2015

When I woke up and weighed myself, I discovered that I had lost 3lbs!  Today was my first official day of summer vacation.  I usually have trouble with depression when I’m not working so I made up a schedule for myself.  It consisted of all of the things I wanted to accomplish over the summer a little at a time.  I actually completed everything!  It was weird because as soon as 5:00 hit, my mood seriously slumped.  Thankfully the only thing I had left to do was write, so I did.

Depression is an amazing thing.  As soon as it hits, my brain immediately takes everything that is good in my life and begins to question it.  Really, there’s nothing good in my life right now except for Oliver, so it started to question that.  He didn’t call me last night.  Never mind that I fell asleep early last night and probably would have slept through his phone call anyway, but the fact that he didn’t call bothered me.  Then even though I facebook messaged him a few times, he saw what I wrote but didn’t respond until much later in the day.   I also made the mistake of telling him about my insecurities, which is probably the worst thing I could have done.  One of Bryan’s criticisms was that I was too insecure.  That probably didn’t help with my insecurity issues.

Later on, Oliver called me.  We had a good discussion of tv shows and movies that we both liked.  However, he made it sound like he was also entertaining options with other women.  Then he kind of qualified it by saying that he was only asked out by one and turned her down for a very good reason.  Then my logic came to my rescue.  I thought about how he spends almost every evening talking on the phone with me after he gets off of work, not anyone else.  So maybe there is nothing to it.  I wish I had some certainty with him.  I understand that we have never met, but I wish I knew if he was actually serious about me, assuming the meeting goes well.  Maybe I should still put myself out there and talk to other guys.  That way I won’t be so disappointed if things with Oliver don’t work out.  It just seems like we were meant for each other.  Maybe that’s an extremely naive view of it.  Maybe there’s no room for a hopeless romantic in today’s world.  Maybe I’m just getting my hopes up too much.  Maybe I need to stop assuming that things will go well with a guy.  How do I do that though?  How do I stop how my brain thinks?  I’ve been trying to do that for years to combat the downward spiral my brain thinks me into when I’m experiencing depression.


Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 10 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did strength exercises.

Diet: I followed my diet, even though I was craving sugar like crazy!

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did both today.

Hygiene:  I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was calm, good even, until depression hit at 5:00pm. My temperament was good.


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