June 12 –
I ran a bunch of errands today so I found myself driving a lot. One of the things I always disliked about where I lived was how people drive (and park) around here. If anyone lingers at a green light for more than a second or two, they honk their horn at them. They double park, which negatively affects traffic patterns, just so they don’t have to walk from an actual parking spot which is further away. Some people drive aggressively just to be a few car-lengths ahead and put other people in danger. It’s the sort of thing that cause many people to get road rage or at least negative emotions as a result of driving. Today I was able to keep a sense of peace while driving, even when people cut me off or honked at me when I didn’t notice that the light had turned green. I have heard that being “enlightened” (not that I am enlightened) means that you are not necessarily a pushover, but the question is, to what lengths do I go? Do I continue to not allow a car who is trying to merge into traffic in front of me after passing everybody on the right in a long line of cars? Is that standing up for myself? Is that living in my ego because I need to be “right” by not allowing them to cut in front of me? I find myself asking more and more abstract questions like this recently.
I think that I mentioned that I had recently put my picture up on that dating facebook group and got a lot of attention from it. I also had a renewal of attention from a few guys I had previously talked to. One was named Oliver and the other was named Raymond. Both were talking about wanting to meet me, although Oliver lives many states away. He actually lives in the same city as my dad, which was a strange coincidence. Raymond lives only a few hours away in the same state, not far from where one of my sisters live. I like Oliver better because he has interesting things to talk about whereas Raymond just likes telling me how beautiful I am and how he wants to meet me. While many women would be flattered by being called beautiful, I like guys who have something interesting to say much better. Not that I expect anything to happen with either guy. At this point I have given up looking for anyone and will just do the best I can in my life. While I sincerely hope someone good comes along for me at some point, I’m going to fulfill as many of my dreams as I can in the meantime.
June 13 –
I started the day very well. I meditated and felt very content for the majority of the day. I got to my moms house for her birthday and was talking with my two sisters. They’re 33 and 31. They’re both married. One has an adorable son. They were both talking about having kids. One was talking about buying a house. I was coping well with all of this conversation until one of them mentioned that at 35 the odds go down of you having kids. That’s how old I am now. I found myself fighting back tears, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom and tried to maintain my composure. When I went in, I saw that Oliver had messaged me, I immediately vented to him about my worries and told him I was depressed. Usually I guard my tongue about things like depression and being upset about not having kids around guys when I first start talking to guys, but I was so upset that I really didn’t censor my words like I normally would. Usually talking like that makes a guy run the other way. Surprisingly, he not only understood, but commiserated. He too, wanted to have kids and was starting to get concerned that he never would either. It meant a lot to have someone with the same goals reassuring me and I was able to calm down relatively quickly.
The rest of the evening went well. After dinner we played a card game. My one sister is very competitive and can be both a very bad loser and a very bad winner. I was able to hold my tongue when she won the first game, even though she was very rude about winning. I even didn’t really fault her that much because I usually do win and she usually gets angry about that. I did win the next game and she was remarkably well-behaved about that. I think that while I’m still working on it, my meditation and work on inner peace is working.
That night after everyone went to bed, I chatted some more with Oliver and he wanted to talk on the phone. We talked for hours! We talked until my cell phone battery died and I ended up hanging up on him! But still, we had some great conversations!
June 14 –
The sister with the son had to leave, but my other sister stayed and we went hiking. We went about a mile out of the five that we had planned to hike when my sister got her foot caught in between two rocks. It was caught so badly that we had to help her take all the weight off of the leg before we could take her foot out of the rock. Thankfully, I had packed something to clean and cover her cuts with. Unfortunately, we were unable to continue our hike because we were so bruised. She suggested that she sit and wait while we continue the hike, but we refused. We were able to get her back to the car. I was not terribly disappointed about getting to finish the hike, even though I had been looking forward to it and we paid to get in the park to hike. I was surprised that I wasn’t that disappointed.
I drove home and got caught up in reading a book, so I didn’t end up getting all that much accomplished this evening. I have no plans after school at all this week, so I should have plenty of time to get things done.
I didn’t chat much with Oliver today. I thought we had hit it off, but I didn’t hear from him much. Despite his insistence that we would talk today, we really didn’t. It was a shame. I thought we hit it off so well!
June 15 –
Today was a very slow day at work. I was able to complete almost everything on my to-do list for the end of the year! I spent a fair amount of time checking the internet and noticing that while even though Oliver had said that he had the day of and the time free, he really wasn’t responding to the things I wrote to him. I found myself feeling insecure and jealous. Wtf!? I thought I had come a fair ways spiritually this month, only to find myself feeling these stupid feelings. But I suppose it was at least a good start that my heart was feeling anything, even if it was stupid pain for stupid reasons. Thankfully I didn’t act on term too crazily, but I did bring one thing up with Oliver, which made me feel like a bit of an ass. On the bright side, he admitted that he liked me, so that was nice to hear.
When I got home I fell asleep. When I woke up, I called my dad and solidified my plans to come visit him. I had been planning to make this visit since I spoke to him in May, but now I had the money in my bank account to purchase the tickets. We talked and decided that I would come to visit him on July 8th for a week. I chatted more with Oliver. We talked on the phone until my battery died. The battery was already low from talking with my father for so long. Then we skyped. It was nice to get to see his face and facial expressions. We finally hung up around half past midnight! We got along so well and there always seemed to be something to talk about with him!
June 16 –
Today I completed my final tasks of my list early in the morning. However, I kept getting told to cover for this or that teacher, so I couldn’t leave early. Still, it was nice to know that I was done!
I had several errands to run. I decided to purchase new bed sheets because my other ones were ripped and smelled bad. My cat had got his claw stuck in my fitted sheet and ripped it. The rip just keep growing as I toss and turn attempting to sleep. I got to the Bed, Bath, and Beyond and grabbed a fitted sheet and two sets of pillow cases. I was shocked to find that the whole thing came to over $100. Since when does a package of two pillowcases cost $35!? Then the cashier actually asked me for an id to prove that the credit card is mine. I will not be going back to that store!
I also stopped by a drug store to pick up another supplement. I had been reading more about my hypothyroidism and had found a study stating that taking L-Tyrosine, an amino acid, was beneficial for people who struggled with fatigue on hypothyroidism. I checked for drug interactions and decided it was worth trying, so I picked some up. When I got home, I fell asleep again.
When I awoke, I bought my plane tickets to visit my dad (and possibly Oliver). Oliver and I talked on the phone again. We got into more in-depth conversations. I talked about my desire for a house with land, so I can grow my own food and live off of the land as much as possible. It’s been a long-time dream that I don’t share with many people in my life, simply because they don’t get it. I don’t know why I shared it with him, but he had the same dream! It seemed like an odd coincidence that he wanted the exact same things in life as me and he lived in the same city as my dad. It almost started looking like fate brought us together. But I told myself that I should think like that. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I should just take each day as it comes. But we even talked about what would happen if we really hit it off when we met and we liked each other. He said that he would probably want to pack his bags and start moving right away. I didn’t tell him that I would probably want to let him. I stuck with logic and the pragmatism that I felt like I should be using and told him that if we got along really well, he could come visit me at the end of August when I have a week free and that we’d take things from there. Honestly, if we spent an entire week together in August and loved every minute of it, I would be more than happy to have him move up here and move in with me. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I know he’s shorter than me and fat. And it looks like he’s balding. Each of these items in and of itself is not necessarily a turn-off for me. I’m just worried that the combination of them would be enough for me to not be sexually attracted to him when we meet. And I hope I am. So I just need to keep reminding myself. Do not get my hopes up. Do not expect anything. Take each day as it comes.
I had a busy day at work. Apparently my list of things to complete was not the last one. I was issued another list that must be completed by Friday. There were a lot less field trips and other things going on today, so I had a lot more classes to “teach”. It was the end of the year, so we just played games and watched movies in my classes. I had to stay late after school, so I got home late. I was surprised to find that I didn’t have a three hour nap like I did the day before or even a two hour nap, which seemed to be the new norm. I usually had a 2 hour nap and 6 hours of sleep, bringing me to about 8 hours total. Today I wasn’t tired, but I was still unmotivated. I lay around and read my book. I nodded off for about an hour. I wonder if the supplement I started taking has started combating my fatigue already!
When I woke up, Oliver and I talked some more. This time we got into really intimate topics. We talked about sex. We talked about our messed up childhoods. We discussed the nature of our mental issues. He gets depressed and social anxiety. I am not going to go into either of our messed up childhoods. I have gotten over mine, which was full of mental and emotional abuse. He seems to have gotten over his, too, which was full of physical abuse. Because he hadn’t been able to take naps as I was, he got tired early, so we hung up after only an hour of talking.
Meditation: I meditated every morning this week
Sleep: I slept 8 hours 2 days, 7 hours 1 day, 6 hours 2 days, and 4 hours 1 day
Exercise: I hiked for 1 mile on Sunday and that was it for exercise.
Diet: I followed my diet somewhat well. I am still craving sugar and grains. I ate (and drank) more sugar than grains though.
De-cluttering and cleaning: I de-cluttered 2 days and cleaned 1 day.
Hygiene: I brushed my teeth twice. I was showered three days out of six. To be fair, I really wasn’t able to shower for three days because I didn’t have any hot water. Sure, I could have showered in cold water, but I preferred to be dirty rather than to be freezing cold for the duration of my shower.
Mood and temperament: My temperament has been remarkably good. I was a bit depressed on Monday when I think I started getting all co-dependent about Oliver. But once I realized what I was doing, I did what I could to stop it. I have been otherwise in a good or at least neutral mood most of the time. Because of that, I was surprised at just how unmotivated and tired I have been. I haven’t gotten much done at home at all!