June 1-4, 2015

June 1 –
Today was an interesting day at work because I got to present one of my hobbies to the school.  I was exhausted, but it was fun, too.  When I got home, my massage buddy contacted me.  He came over.  All I wanted was a massage because I was tired and sore.  Of course, he wanted something else.  I told him two truths that were able to keep him at bay, but we did end up kissing and fooling around a bit.  Chemistry is an interesting thing.  It can make me want to do things with a guy I wouldn’t really want to date.  As soon as he was done, he found an excuse to leave.  This seems to be a pattern.  Maybe I shouldn’t bother doing stuff with him again.  But I’d miss the massages.  Will trade sex for massages?

June 2 – Last night I dreamed about several of my exes.  I awoke knowing what I have to do.  I need to let go of my past and learn to open my heart again.  I realized that my heart really isn’t open anymore.  I can feel compassion, but the feelings of love I often feel for my friends, my family, my students, and everyone else have gone.  I was so tired when I got home that I went to sleep around 6:30.  I expected it to be a nap, but I slept all night.

June 3 – I awoke after about 11 hours of sleep, still wanting to sleep some more, but I couldn’t.  I had to go to work. I also went to the endocrinologist after work.  At first I thought we were at a bit of an impasse.  I told her that I felt horrible on the Synthroid so I started taking my Armor Thyroid again.  She, again, went into the fact that if I got pregnant, she wouldn’t be my doctor unless I took Synthroid again. I told her that it would be a while since I didn’t even have a boyfriend, but she said that could all quickly change.  I told her that I’ve been very sexually active for over 15 years and that I had managed to keep myself from getting pregnant thus far.  I expressed the possibility that perhaps my body had problems converting the T4 into T3 and that I might need the Armor Thyroid.  She said that she could have put me on Synthroid plus T3.  She told me that I should have stayed on the Synthroid long enough to allow her to test me to see what the problem was.  Now my blood work would have inaccurate results.  I could see where she had a point, but was I supposed to keep getting worse for two weeks while I waited for my appointment with her?

I spent the evening trying to dull my loneliness on facebook trying to prove to myself that i wasn’t alone.  I chatted with Kevin and some guys I had met on the singles group.

June 4 –
Today was very stressful because I had a work thing that I was in charge of.  Of course my boss changed several things on me at the last minute, causing me to scramble and worry that things wouldn’t go well.  As always, my worrying was needless.

I also finally managed to do some food shopping.  Now, once I actually make the food, I will have some good-for-me food that I can eat that I’m supposed to eat.  Hopefully I can start getting my diet back on track and lose the 10lbs that I had apparently gained over the past few months on Synthroid!


Meditation: I meditated for a few minutes on Tuesday.  I meditated for maybe 20 minutes on Wednesday and Thursday.  It’s taking me a while to get back into it, but I definitely think it’s helping!

Sleep: I slept for 7 hours on Monday night, 11 hours on Tuesday night, 7 hours on Wednesday night, and 5 hours on Thursday night.

Exercise: I exercised for 30 minutes on Monday, did 30 minutes of yoga on Tuesday, and walked for maybe 15 minutes on Wednesday.

Diet:  I really haven’t been following my diet at all.

Cleaning and de-cluttering: I haven’t done either.

Hygiene: I have always been showered and I brushed my teeth on Tuesday.

Mood and temperament: My temperament has been good, but my mood has fluctuated.  I was sad and lonely earlier in the week, but am feeling better now.  I even have regained some semblance of motivation!  I was also very stressed out on Thursday.


2 thoughts on “June 1-4, 2015

  1. Hang in there. Depression is difficult to deal with, but it is manageable and things do get better. I noticed in some of your posts that you feel worried that your friends know about you struggling with depression. I am sorry that your ex told them without your permission. That is terrible. However, I want to normalize it for you – almost everyone suffers from some level of depression at some time in their life – including most of your friends. I hope that they are not judging you harshly. I would offer that if you are less judgmental towards yourself about this, then what they think will not matter so much. You’re a good person – from what I can tell from your blog. Be kind to yourself.

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