May 26 –
It was difficult to go back to work after a three day weekend.
May 27 –
I went in to work early because I was behind on a number of things.
May 28 –
I had a decent day at work, but when I got home, my loneliness started to creep up on me, as did the depression. I finally lost the hope I was carrying that someone good would be coming along for me. I told myself horrible things about myself, like since I could barely take care of myself, I shouldn’t have kids, I’d never be able to take care of them. I can barely take care of my cats. I wondered why they loved me so much since I can’t do a simple thing like scoop their litter daily. It was bad. I stayed up late until I fell asleep at my computer.
May 29 –
I woke up crying. I don’t remember the dream, but I felt so lonely and helpless and unloved. I think I realized that my loneliness isn’t just that I don’t have a guy. It’s also because I don’t have any friends here. I am completely alone. If I had something heavy to carry from my apartment to my car, I couldn’t do it. The nearest person to me that I feel like I could count on in a pinch like that is my mom and she’s two hours away. I worried that I wasn’t going to be able to stop crying before I went into work. Thankfully, food and nicotine helped me calm down. I still wasn’t myself all day at work, but I did my best.
May 30 –
A friend of mine was having a surprise birthday party. While I knew a lot of people there, I felt weird hanging out with everyone knowing they all knew about my depression, so I mostly kept to myself. My friend Fred kept me company since his long-time girlfriend was busy running around organizing things. I kept offering to help, but I kept being told they didn’t need any help, just to watch them ask someone else to do it. I feel like I’m being treated like I’m an emotionally delicate flower and that anything will set me off. I’m not that bad. In public, at least.
May 31 –
I was happy to have a whole day to myself. I wanted to catch up on my to-do lists. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to do a single thing. I watched videos online, chatted on facebook, and played some facebook games. I literally wasted the entire day on the computer. I had an internal dialogue telling myself to do things, but I could never bring myself to do them. Finally, at the end of the day, I managed to do laundry by convincing myself that I had no clothes for work the next day. It was true, but I think that’s the only reason why I made myself do it. It proves that I could force myself to do those things, but I also wasn’t able until it became a dire need.
Sleep – Averaged 6-7 hours a night
Exercise – I exercised 3 days
Diet – I followed it for 4 meals
De-cluttering and cleaning – I de-cluttered for maybe 5 minutes on one day when I lost something. Otherwise, I did not de-clutter or clean.
Hygiene – I was showered every day. I brushed my teeth once.
Mood and temperament – There was one day where my temperament was bad. I yelled at and was mean to my cats. They knew what was going on. They snuggled up close and let me cry. My mood varied (see above).