May 26-31, 2015

May 26 –
It was difficult to go back to work after a three day weekend.

May 27 –
I went in to work early because I was behind on a number of things.

May 28 –
I had a decent day at work, but when I got home, my loneliness started to creep up on me, as did the depression.  I finally lost the hope I was carrying that someone good would be coming along for me.  I told myself horrible things about myself, like since I could barely take care of myself, I shouldn’t have kids, I’d never be able to take care of them.  I can barely take care of my cats.  I wondered why they loved me so much since I can’t do a simple thing like scoop their litter daily.  It was bad.  I stayed up late until I fell asleep at my computer.

May 29 –
I woke up crying.  I don’t remember the dream, but I felt so lonely and helpless and unloved.  I think I realized that my loneliness isn’t just that I don’t have a guy.  It’s also because I don’t have any friends here.  I am completely alone.  If I had something heavy to carry from my apartment to my car, I couldn’t do it.  The nearest person to me that I feel like I could count on in a pinch like that is my mom and she’s two hours away.  I worried that I wasn’t going to be able to stop crying before I went into work.  Thankfully, food and nicotine helped me calm down.  I still wasn’t myself all day at work, but I did my best.

May 30 –
A friend of mine was having a surprise birthday party.  While I knew a lot of people there, I felt weird hanging out with everyone knowing they all knew about my depression, so I mostly kept to myself.  My friend Fred kept me company since his long-time girlfriend was busy running around organizing things.  I kept offering to help, but I kept being told they didn’t need any help, just to watch them ask someone else to do it.  I feel like I’m being treated like I’m an emotionally delicate flower and that anything will set me off.  I’m not that bad.  In public, at least.

May 31 –
I was happy to have a whole day to myself.  I wanted to catch up on my to-do lists. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to do a single thing.  I watched videos online, chatted on facebook, and played some facebook games.  I literally wasted the entire day on the computer.  I had an internal dialogue telling myself to  do things, but I could never bring myself to do them.  Finally, at the end of the day, I managed to do laundry by convincing myself that I had no clothes for work the next day.  It was true, but I think that’s the only reason why I made myself do it.  It proves that I could force myself to do those things, but I also wasn’t able until it became a dire need.

——————————————————————————-

Sleep – Averaged 6-7 hours a night

Exercise – I exercised 3 days

Diet – I followed it for 4 meals

De-cluttering and cleaning – I de-cluttered for maybe 5 minutes on one day when I lost something.  Otherwise, I did not de-clutter or clean.

Hygiene – I was showered every day.  I brushed my teeth once.

Mood and temperament – There was one day where my temperament was bad.  I yelled at and was mean to my cats.  They knew what was going on.  They snuggled up close and let me cry.  My mood varied (see above).

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