May 18 –
I woke up early and managed to do a lot of strength exercises, knowing that I would likely not have a chance to do them after work. When I got to work, I discovered I was extremely angry. I felt a sense of rage coursing within me. I have never really been accustomed to anger. Maybe it’s just the nature of my specific depression, but I am rarely angry. On the rare cases that I am, it’s usually with a significant other and it usually is over within a day. Today, the anger I dealt with was towards nobody, as far as I could tell. The anger stole my happiness away and it was all I could do to not lash out at the people around me. Thankfully, I was able to mostly contain my anger, but it was tough.
For lunch, I had no food, so I ate at the cafeteria. They had no nutritious food, so I ended up buying what they had. And I was sick. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I knew there would be no healthy food for me to eat. I knew the cafeteria food would make me sick. But I still didn’t plan enough in advance to make sure I had something healthy to eat. I remember reading somewhere about how if you knew eating something would make you sick, you wouldn’t eat it. All I did was think that I would. I don’t know why, but I tend not to learn from something like that. It hurts my stomach and makes me run for the bathroom, but I eat it anyway and don’t take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Is it a depression thing? Or is it just me being me?
The depression got really bad as I contemplated whether I would ever have a “normal” life where I could be a good friend to my friends. Because of my mood fluctuations, I have to spend a lot of time focused on me to just live my life and get through my day. As such, my people skills have suffered. I have a difficult time discerning what people are going through and I cannot just magically understand what to do to help my friends in most situations. I have to ask. And often, when asked what you can do to help, people usually say nothing. I have good intentions, but I just spend so much time having to focus on myself that it’s difficult to treat other people with the kindness that I feel they deserve.
After the anger faded, the depression set in. I started, as usual, questioning my self-worth, getting upset about everything that was wrong with my life, and started wondering if I would ever be happy with the things that I want. I got down on myself because of all the people I owed money to, in addition to bills. It seemed like I would never be free of my debts. I wondered if I would ever find someone who loved me for me who I could love back, have kids with, and grow old with. The only good thing I could say, was at least I didn’t attach myself to someone out of desperation, which is often what I do when this mood hits. I don’t know if it was just that I thought there was nobody to attach myself to or if I had actually learned from my past mistakes, but it was still bad.
My friend Linda was in the hospital tonight with stomach pains. I hope she’s okay.
May 19 –
When I woke up, I did yoga. I don’t understand why I don’t do it more often, the way hit has helped my back. Then I returned to court to sort out my situation. I was given a reduced sentence and a very large fine. It was almost $500. I hate living here. Anywhere else I have lived would have reduced my sentence and given me a much lower fine. And I got a parking ticket on my car this morning. The sign said I wasn’t supposed to park there from 8:30-12:00. The ticket was written at 8:06!!!!
I waited over 2 hours in court for them to get to me. Then it took over a half hour to pay my ridiculous fine. I went home, got my work things, went to the nearest fast food place, bought whatever I wanted, and drove to work. I was in a seriously foul mood when I got there and might have overreacted to the things the students said. I wasn’t mean, but I felt mean. Then my technology didn’t work, so I got annoyed at that too. By accident I sent my students away 20 minutes early (we don’t have bells in my school). I felt like an ass. Then after my last class, I fell asleep at my laptop.
When I got home, I was depressed and tired. I wasted a lot of time on facebook. I managed to start a meme that was circulating, so I felt pretty good about that, for about five seconds. I started getting despondent about ever finding someone. I wondered if I was good enough yet or needed to do more self-work. Then I thought about all of the assholes out there that have someone and started getting more depressed about it. Sometimes, it’s difficult to have hope.
Also, I forgot to mention that Kevin has been acting weird around me lately. I think I mentioned that he’s my friend’s son, like a little brother to me. We have been talking a lot lately because we’ve been going through similar things. On Sunday after I returned from his and Linda’s house, he told me he was sorry he acted weird on Saturday night. I was too tired to notice what he had done, so I told him no problem. He would not tell me what the issue was. I had several guesses, eah more unlikely than the rest. Then he told me he had some issues to sort out and he may or may not be talking to me for a while. Then I found out his mother was in the hospital and he began talking to me again. It turned out she just had an enlarged gall-bladder, which they removed. Then he just said “Good bye” on facebook with no provocation or explanation. This kid is starting to piss me off. I count him as a good friend, but all of this secrecy and random declarations that he’s going to disappear for a while are getting old and annoying. The only thing I can think of is that maybe his mother is right and he’s falling for me. In which case, I hope he takes the time he needs to get over it.
Near the end of the evening, some of the guys from that singles facebook group started to message me, so I started to feel a bit better. None of them live near me, but I do enjoy talking to George. He’s a bit younger than me (about 6 years younger). He works in a crappy retail job, but money was never that important to me. I really only care that he’s good for me. I don’t know if he is yet. I guess I don’t want to get my hopes up with anybody, so I’m trying not to. He is the best one that I’ve met on that singles page, though!
I am a little annoyed that what it took to pull me out of my depression this afternoon was the attention of guys. Maybe that’s who I am? Someone who needs the attention of a guy to be happy? But I don’t want to rely on a guy for my happiness! They’re human too and don’t deserve having that kind of burden laid on them! How do I keep myself happy? I guess again, that’s what this blog is about. But some days it’s so damn difficult!
Sleep: I slept about 7 hours both nights
Exercise: I did strength one day and yoga another day
Diet: I followed my diet for two out of 6 meals
De-cluttering and cleaning: I straightened up for a few minutes on one day
Hygiene: I was showered both days, but did not brush my teeth either day
Mood and temperament: I was mostly angry and depressed and on Monday and tired and depressed on Tuesday.