I woke up early even though I went to bed late. This seems to have become a new habit with me. It seems to catch up with me on the weekends and I end up falling asleep when I’m visiting people. I tried to embroider in the morning while watching some of my favorite tv show with Kevin. He seemed to want to cuddle again and I was not adverse to the idea, considering I didn’t see his mom for a few hours after I woke up. She came down, made me breakfast, and then disappeared again for a few more hours.
Mid-afternoon, Me, Linda, and Kevin went hiking. It was odd, she kept walking away from the two of us. At one point, we couldn’t find her, so Kevin and I walked back to the car to wait for her there. After we got back, she tried to send the two of us to a movie, but I was too tired. So, she went out to dinner on a date and left us both behind again. It struck me as odd, but I was too tired to care. I fell asleep on the couch not long after she left and stayed that way. I only got up to go to bed.
May 17 –
I woke up around 5:30, feeling refreshed. I touched the skin around my stomach and waist. It was weird, it was almost like I was touching someone else. I felt the soft skin and felt like I usually do when touching the skin of someone I’m dating. It was soft and I marveled at the smoothness. Is this what people mean when they say they love themselves first? Or was I just missing the touch of someone else so much that I caressed myself? It wasn’t sexual, it was comforting.
When I got home, I decided to see Pitch Perfect 2 in the theater. I often see movies alone, so I had no qualms about doing it. Like the first movie, it left me feeling empowered. However, the feeling quickly faded and was replaced by longing for a group of friends like these women. I really don’t have a core group of friends. Back when my depression was much worse, I was not capable of having true friends. Since then, I have moved around too much to make lasting friendships. There were some people I would have liked to remain my friend, but, alas, it was not meant to be. I felt lonely.
I kinda just killed time until George called. He’s the guy I skyped with the other night. It was nice to have someone to talk to, but I felt like I was grasping for topics by the end of our conversation.
I also confronted my ex-husband about telling our mutual friends about my depression problem today. I talked about it with Linda the day before and she gave me a really great idea of how to handle the anger. I rarely get angry or hold grudges, so the advice was sorely needed. I simply told him that I was angry and why. I also told him that if he chooses to share any more of my secrets, then I will share his. He apologized for the fact that he hurt me, but seemed to still feel he was in the right. It’s amazing. We’ve been split up for almost two years, but he’s still reminding me why I broke up with him in new and disturbing ways!
Then I heard from Kevin to find out that his mom thought that she was concerned that he was falling for me or something. Ugh. Like I didn’t have enough drama to deal with. I talked to her about it and she said she didn’t suspect anything on my end. She was just concerned for her kid’s well-being.
Exercise – I went for a short hike one day.
Diet – I followed my diet about half of the time. The instances where I didn’t, cheese, was usually involved. Why does cheese have to be so tasty?
De-cluttering and cleaning – I did neither.
Hygiene – I was showered both days, but did not brush my teeth.
Mood and temperament – My mood was usually good, but tired, other than my lonely spell on Sunday night. My temperament was good.