May 12-15, 2015

May 12 –
I woke up and felt like I had an important dream but I couldn’t remember it.  I lay in bed trying to recall it, but it never came back to me.  After work, I had a tremendous attack of motivation.  I was also chatting with a guy from the singles facebook page I joined.  He had a number of physical issues and was convinced that no woman would ever love him for it.  It was not his physical issues that turned me off, but his defeatist attitude and his age (which I found out was 20 years older than me).  I went out walking, did some laundry, etc.  I was behind on housework, as always, but I felt like I was at least catching up.

May 13 –
It was a good day at work.  When I got home, I spent almost all of my time working on another project with a deadline.  I did absolutely nothing else when I got home.  Oh the bright side, I got really far on it.

I also ended up getting really focused on the fact that my ex-husband told all of our mutual friends about my issues with depression.  I got extremely angry, which is typically unlike me.  I actually had considered the fact that I can’t get angry as a side-effect of my depression.  Maybe my depression is wearing off because I can now get angry again.  It was tough.  I couldn’t think of anything else.  I wanted to dwell on it.  And yet, it was unproductive.  I understand that anger may be good in a number of circumstances but I always was very proud of the fact that I could let things go.  I felt it was good for me and I kind of felt superior in my forgiveness.  I don’t feel superior anymore.  I now am angry.  And I understand what a gift it was to be able to let things go.

May 14 –
It was a very long day at work, but Thursdays always seem obscenely long for some reason.  When I got home, I started to work on my project.  There was a guy I was talking on from the singles facebook group a while ago.  Like all of the others, we chatted for a day and then I never heard from them again, so I was surprised that he contacted me again.  He had to reiterate all of the facts about him because my brain had apparently decided I wasn’t going to hear from him again and therefore deleted everything he told me about himself.  Other than that, we had some good conversations online.  Then we moved on to the phone.  We had enough in common to have a lot to talk about, but enough not in common to have a lot to talk about.  I really enjoyed our conversations.  Then both of our phones started to die, so we went onto skype.  He is a lot better looking in person than in his picture!  We spent over an hour on skype.  He lives over 13 hours away, so we will probably never meet.  It’s a shame because I feel like he’s a guy I could really like after getting to know him a bit more.

May 15 –
Today was another long day at work, which was unusual.  Usually Fridays are a welcome relief and a prelude to the weekend.  After work, I started driving and went to visit my friends Linda and Kevin.  Linda is a few years older than me and Kevin is her son who is 15 years younger than me at 20.  Oddly enough, I’m friends with the both of them, just in different ways.  Kevin and I had been talking a lot recently because we’re both in similar positions with trying to find someone to be with and having bad love experiences as well.  We both suffer from mental illness, so we have been talking about that too.

I didn’t stay there long because i had plans to visit some other friends that lived nearby.  We had fun with a nice bonfire and a potluck.  It was good seeing them all.  The strange thing was the hugging.  Normally, I’m not a person who is comfortable with the touch of other people except in very specific circumstances.  I saw hugging as something I did for the other person because they clearly seemed to need that.  Now, I actually understood the joy in a good hug.  I think I hugged each of my friends longer than I had hugged anybody in my life.  It wasn’t awkwardly long.  On the contrary, it was just long enough.  Others might have thought it was long, but it wasn’t their hug.  It was mine.

When I got back, it was late and everybody but Kevin had gone to bed.  A few days ago Kevin had asked me to be his cuddle buddy.  I had mixed feelings about it, so I told him that I’d think about it.  I usually don’t cuddle with friends because I am always afraid of them getting wrong idea.  I knew he wouldn’t get the wrong idea though.  I am also odd about how and when I want bodily contact.  I’m like a cat in that way.  A cat presents its belly and there’s a 1 in 10 chance it will let you pet it’s belly, a 4 in 10 chance that it will bite you and a 5 in 10 chance that it will scratch you.  Yet you go for the belly anyway.  For me to want to cuddle, the timing has to be right.  And I felt weird because it’s my good friend’s son, so no cuddling around her.  While I don’t think she would mind, per se, I minded.

Anyway, last night we were watching funny videos on my laptop and the stars aligned enough to want to cuddle, so we did.  I guess I really needed physical contact lately.  As insane as this sounds, this has been the longest time that I have been single in about 10 years.  That’s right.  I have not been single for more than a month in 10 years. Ten years.  Hopefully, I’ll continue to improve in my singleness until an amazing man comes my way, because I’m holding out for an amazing man who thinks I am amazing too.

————————————————————————

Exercise – I went walking once.

Diet – I actually followed my diet really well for most of this week.  Almost all of my meals were paleo!  However, many of my snacks were not.  I snacked on any sugary candy that was lying around (which was a lot).

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I de-cluttered one day.

Hygiene – I brushed my teeth once and was showered every day except for Friday.

Mood  and temperament – My mood was decent most days, excepting the period of anger I felt on Wednesday.  On Friday, I felt another paradigm shift.  I cannot tell describe what chanted.  I felt better, more adept in social situations, more relaxed around my students during down times, and more respected when I needed my students to listen and behave.  I really can’t put it another way.  My temperament was good excepting my anger on Wednesday.  And I did nothing to react to that anger other than rant to a few friends about it, so I don’t know if I would call that a temperament issue or not.

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