May 9, 2015

Last night, I had two disturbing dreams.  In the first one, one of my 7th grade male students was sitting in a chair watching me sleep.  I was sleeping topless.  When I woke up and realized what was going on, I ordered him out of the room.  In the other dream, my ex-husband was lying in bed next to me, facing me.  I wanted to lean in and kiss him, but I resisted.  When I woke up, I had to remind myself that he had told all of our mutual friends about my problems with depression to remind myself what kind of man I had left.

I woke up early this morning because I had a three hour drive ahead of me. I used to do a sort of “fight club” with some friends at one of the places I used to live. It’s not nearly as intense or dangerous as in the movie. It was more of a place to practice mixed martial arts. Because my shoulder had been hurting for months, I hadn’t done it in a while. And it showed. There were still certain things that I couldn’t do with it and that frustrated me to the point where I was holding back tears. The tears were more from frustration than pain.  After a while, my friends found fighting scenarios that I could do with ease, like fighting with one hand behind our backs. In the end, I had a lot of fun! Some of us went out to eat afterwards. There were three decent-looking guys my age there, but one by one, they all talked about their girlfriends/fiancés. I just enjoyed myself hanging out with them as friends and wondered if there were any good guys left near my age

Then I drove to meet a different group of friends. They had rented a lodge in the woods and had a very large party there.   This was not like the parties in my youth where everyone drank until people passed out, puked, or did comedic things. There was alcohol there, but the drinking was more sedate. I didn’t know everybody at this party. Not even close. I had two sets of friends there. One was married with kids and they spent their time chasing after their children. And a couple who spent their time trying to find ways of being alone with each other.   I took the time, set up my bed, joined some old men for a smoke, and tried to make conversation with several of the people there.

Then I saw him. I didn’t know his name, but I had been seeing him around for a few years. He is the most pretty man I had ever seen. He looked young when I first saw him three years ago (yes, I can actually remember when I first saw him because I was still married and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him), I thought he was in his late teens or early 20s.   He has a very exotic look to him. He had almond shaped eyes that were a shade of brown that could only be called deep. The color reminded me of a river near where I grew up.  His hair was straight with shoulder length hair. His face was tan with high cheekbones and a flat-ish nose. The combination of features didn’t fit in with any race that I could think of, but he looked so gorgeous that I couldn’t help looking at him whenever I saw him. I felt like a fool because I really couldn’t help looking at him. For years I avoided talking to him because of this! He was definitely too young for me anyway, so I just admired his physical beauty from afar. I liked to think he was staring at me too, but I really think I was deluding myself.

Anyway, when I first set eyes on him today, he was sitting under a tree with a girl and they were giving each other a chaste peck on the lips. Later on he introduced himself to me. His name is Salvatore. We ended up talking half of the night and dancing the other half. He spent four years in the armed forces, which surprised me. He had a quiet, unassuming presence, so atypical of former soldiers. After that he went to college, but took a few years off to help his parents. We talked about so many things! We never ran out of topics, even though they ranged from martial arts to Norse mythology to cats. I found out that he’s 28, so we both looked younger than our years. He told me he thought I was 25. He also had a lapsed massage therapist license and I got him to give me a massage. It hurt more than most of the massages I have gotten, but it fixed things! His hands were so strong!   He told me that the Chinese say the secret to a good marriage was massaging each other’s scalp and feet every day. I told him I could get behind that and said that must have been the problem with my first marriage! He wasn’t staying over, but it took him a long time to leave.   In the process of his leaving, he gave me three hugs at separate times and told me how great a time he had with me. He added me as his friend on facebook with talk of getting together in the future. Then he gave me a final hug, a reiteration of how much fun he had with me, and departed.

After he left, all I could think was “I could fall in love with this guy.” And also, who was that girl I thought he was kissing when I first saw him? I’m going to have to guard my heart very carefully with this one.


Exercise – Fighting and dancing

Diet – I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning – I really wasn’t home long enough to do either.

Hygiene – I was showered but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood was decidedly good other than my brief frustration about my shoulder injury. My temperament was good.


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