May 4-8, 2015

May 4 –
Last night I dreamed about Byran.  The details are kind of hazy, but I awoke with the notion that he was starting to miss me.  I haven’t heard from him, so it strikes me as odd that I would have that idea.  Either way, he made his bed and I’m not going back to him.

That being said, I’m starting to feel that post-breakup desperation setting in.   I am finding myself considering guys that I would not generally consider.  And it’s not just about considering guys, but also playing with guys to give them hope at something with me even if there is no hope.  I’m hoping that my logic can keep that at bay.  I need to focus on staying single and fixing myself and my life.

I’m still feeling a bit sick, but I still managed to get a few things done, in addition to a nap.  I still have a lot to catch up on that I didn’t get done during my busy last two weeks, but I at least did something.

May 5 –
After work today I went for a walk.  It was a workout walk.   I made a playlist of upbeat songs.  I realized how much I had missed actually working out!  There was something truly enjoyable about it.  I also enjoyed being around other people.  Sure, I’m around people all day, but they’re all kids.  Even though I didn’t talk to anybody, it was still nice being around them on the fitness path!

My 6 –
I did yoga today.  I had done yoga on and off throughout my 20s, but never could understand why people liked it so much.  It really didn’t seem like a good workout.  I even bought a dvd that a friend recommended.  I did it a few times, but haven’t looked at it in years.  I tried it again today and finally understand the draw of yoga.  There were a few positions I can’t do anymore due to my weight, like a shoulder stand.  I also worried about the cat/cow exercise.  It started off stiff at first, but then my spine freed up and I got more flexibility in my spine than I had in years!  After it was done, I could actually bend over and pick things up!  I seem to be doing great with exercising!

Ma;y 7 – When I got home today, I got dressed in my workout gear and was going to go for another fitness walk.  However, I could not find my ipod!  By the time I found it, it was too late and I had to be somewhere to meet friends.  The desire to be with someone was so strong, I wanted to play with the mind of a guy who was there who used to like me but is in a happy relationship right now.  I thankfully resisted that urge, but it was difficult.  She, however, started treating me coldly recently.  I guess he told her he used to like me or something.  I avoided him as much as I could to keep myself from playing with his mind and to keep peace between him and his girlfriend.

I found myself procrastinating driving home, so I was one of the last to leave.  A drive that took almost an hour now took an hour an a half.  There was a bad accident on the way home.  I wonder if it was my intuition telling me that I should wait to avoid being in it.

I have been going through a very sexually-charged period right now.  It could just be the springtime air, but it almost feels like I’m in heat.  It could also be because it’s now been a few weeks without any sexual activity and I may be going through withdrawal.  Sigh.  I miss sex.

May 8 –
Work has been rough this week.  I had anticipated a period of time where I would have a lighter workload now that things are calming down after last weekend.  Unfortunately, there still seems to e a lot of work to catch up on and I’m not really there.

I’m still feeling a bit sick.  I took a two hour nap when I got home and woke up feeling very unmotivated.  I changed my clothes so I could go for a workout walk, but never got the motivation to go.  I was still wanting sex.  I went out for some food and most guys I looked at I considered having sex with if they asked me.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but this sexual frustration sucks!  I need a good fuck-buddy!  But where do I find a fuck-buddy in a place where I can’t find a regular friend? Seriously, I’ve never lived in a place so long without actually making a single friend!  Sure, I have friends an hour or two away, but they’re not near enough to just invite to the bar for a few drinks or something.  Sigh.  I want local friends.  I want sex.  I’m lying in bed listening to the parties in my building and feeling very alone.

———————————————————————

Exercise – I exercised twice

Diet – I didn’t follow it for any days, but followed it for three meals, which is a start.

De-cluttering and cleaning – I de-cluttered and cleaned once.

Hygiene – I was showered every day and brushed my teeth twice.

Temperament and mood – My mood was pretty neutral.  I was tired a lot because of the cold I have.  My temper was good.

 

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