April 26, 2015

I woke up next to Chris. We cuddled briefly them got up and ate breakfast. We watched some tv and cuddled.  I wanted to do stuff again, but he didn’t seem interested.  Then he left.  It was weird.  Generally, I can tell when a guy is interested in me or even interested in doing stuff with me.  But I didn’t see that desire in him.  Did we go out drinking the night before so he could do stuff with me?  It seemed odd.  But why did he drive all the way here otherwise?

I’m going to take a minute to talk about sex.  It’s something our society prefers not to talk about.  Many religions have rules about it.  Especially if you’re female.  You’re not supposed to have sex before you’re married.  Or only for procreation.  Or only with a member of the opposite sex.  Some religions suggest that sex or lust can prevent you from reaching the higher levels of enlightenment or require priests and nuns to abstain.  There is especially a social stigma when it applies to females.  The words “slut” and “whore” are often used as insults for females.  The thing I don’t understand is that males who sleep around are often called “studs”.  However, in order for those males to sleep around, there needs to be a female who is willing to sleep with him.  We have a biological imperative telling us to procreate, or at the very least, to have sex.  We were created to enjoy sex.  So why not enjoy it?

I seem to have escaped a lot of the social stigmas.  I am assuming that because I spent most of the years when people are looking to “fit in” as depressed, that somehow I had a bigger problem than fitting in and I didn’t bother.  I was who I was at an early age.  Even if who I was was someone who was dealing with an undiagnosed mental disorder.  For some reason, I think that this has made me immune to social pressures that plague the rest of adolescents.  I didn’t have sex until I was ready.  Sure, I had guys who wanted to.  I was even dumped once for not “putting out”.  But I knew I wasn’t ready and that was all there was to the matter for me.  I finally lost my virginity at 18.  Because I was ready.  I had maybe been dating that guy for a few months.   It wasn’t fun, so I only did it a handful of times with him.  After that, I dated a few guys who I was able to have fun with.  I wasn’t immune to drunken college hook-ups. I had my fair share.  I realized that they were rarely fun in a sexual sense.  But they were very fun if I treated it like a game or a power play.  Could I get into this guys pants?  It became a challenge.  Like a cat playing with a mouse.

Then I started getting into some more serious relationships.  For some reason, as the relationships wore on, mu sex drive quickly waned.  It might have been the depression.  It might have been the meds that say that warn men of “sexual side effects” but neglect to mention that it causes the inability to orgasm in women.  That’s why I was so excited about Bryan.  I had never had sex so much with anybody in my life.  But I’m realizing that I learned several things from my most recent exes.  From Bryan I learned that I can be a sexual creature and not get bored with it.  From the ex before him, I learned what it was like to have someone emotionally there for me all the time.  From my ex husband,I learned that I can be truly loved, and that love is not enough.  From the ex before my husband, I learned how much fun it was to live with a friend who I could always have fun with.  I feel like this is leading me somewhere.  Maybe it will lead me to the one who will be all of these things for me.  After all the hurt and heartbreak, that would be wonderful.  It’s been difficult to keep myself from searching for a new guy, but I am doing well at it so far.  I feel like the net one will have to find me, pursue me.  And I feel like very soon I will meet the one.  Isn’t that pathetic?  Even after all of the hearbreak and sorrow, I still be lieve that there is one guy that will be all of these things for me?

I decided to take today as a kind of mental health day.  I did not do any work.  I hung out with friends on facebook.  I got caught up on my blogs, etc.


Exercise – none

Diet – I didn’t follow it at all.

Cleaning and de-cluttering – none

Hygiene – I showered yesterday and did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – calm and tired


One thought on “April 26, 2015

  1. Hey you… You are not pathetic. I am sure you will find someone who is a combination of all of those things. I suppose the important thing is that you don’t settle for someone who is some but not all of those things. I am sorry about the breakup. You deserve someone who treats you well. Bryan seems confused as well as manipulative with your feelings. How awful that he admitted he was using you! You are wonderful and deserve someone better! Hang in there.

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