April 20-24, 2015

April 20 –
I woke up early.  I straightened up my apartment.  I slowly removed the signs of Bryan’s last visit.  I cleaned my bathroom a bit.  I showered and brushed my teeth.  I stretched and did PT.  I was already tired by the time I got to work.  I was behind in my work, so I spent the day trying to catch up.  It was also going to be a bad two weeks for me as far as work went.  I was also very tired.  I dealt with things about Bryan very well.  I had to hold back tears when I saw a parent come in the building with a little girl in tow who looked like Bryan’s youngest.  Mostly, I did okay.  I was in good spirits by the end of the day.  I was very tired, despite all of the caffeine I tried to consume.  When I got home, I did some work and went to sleep.

April 21 –
I had a very difficult time getting out of bed this morning.  When I got to work, I was in good spirits.  As the day wore on, my spirits slowly sunk and I was depressed by the time I got home.  As I was re-wearing my last pair if underwear, I spent the entire evening doing all of my laundry.  In between loads, I chatted on facebook and worked on work.  One of the people I was chatting with was my friend Chris.  We had made plans for him to come and visit me this coming weekend when Bryan and I had broken up the last time.  He’s one of those people in my life with whom I had some sexual tension.  For the past year and a half we had talked about possibly hooking up.  He was in an open relationship and I had known both him and his fiance for years.  Chris was still planning on visiting me and we chatted about the things that we would possibly do together when he came.

I decided that I was going to try and do my best to stay single for a while.  My little brother, who is strangely intuitive about many things, told me something that gave me hope.  He said that my journey for finding the right man is almost at an end.  That within a year I’d find him.  That he would be a good friend who I already confided in.  I wracked my brain for a friend who was such a person as I could spend the rest of my life with.  But all such friends were all in serious relationships if not married.  Even so, what he said gave me hope.  I looked forward to ending this journey and starting a new one of having a healthy committed relationship!  I decided that I would do my best to not look for somebody to bide my time with.  I would try to stay, gasp, single.

April 22 –
When I got to work, I felt very excited because my to-do list had shrunk with all of the extra work I had been doing at home.  After about an hour at work, my list had increased to be quite long again.  That was pretty disheartening.  A scheduling issue that I had been concerned about also suprisingly worked out okay with my boss.  She is very unpredictable, so I was glad that things went well.

When I got home, I was surprised to read a facebook message from my friend Jeff.  My friend Jeff and I had some sexual tension between us ever since we had met.  We had been massage buddies for over a year, but had kept it at that.  He was engaged and not in any kind of open relationship.  A few months ago, he told me that his fiance had given him permission to do things with other people so long as she didn’t see it, hear it, or know about it and that he ended it all when they got married.  That struck me as odd and something didn’t sit well with me about it.  He had the evening off of work, so he wanted to know if he could come over and we’d do massages.  Because I was now single, there was an unspoken possibility that something other than a massage may happen today.  I did a quick cleaning and straightening of my apartment erasing more signs of Bryan’s last visit.

We started with massages.  He tried hard to tease me, but he really just ended up hurting my back.  Then I decided to see if I could tease him.  I didn’t really want to do things with him.  It was more like a game, to see if I could.  Well, I could.  I also didn’t want to kiss him.  I’m not sure why, because I know he really wanted to kiss me, but something bothered me about it.  I thought I was just teasing him, but I guess he didn’t have any stamina because during one of those teasing moments, he finished.  I didn’t get anything out of it.  He went home leaving me incredibly frustrated.

I checked my facebook and saw a message by my ex, Carl.  I should start out by explaining the “relationship” I had with Carl.  We met when we were both at the end of our marriages.  Even our marriages were similar with both of us feeling un-loved and un-wanted.  We took solace in each other and remembered what it was like to have someone who actually enjoyed our company and gave us the affection we had gone for so long without.  Unfortunately, even though my marriage ended, his did not.  After a while, I ended it because he wouldn’t leave his wife.  Carl continued to talk about the various things we had in common and about the good sexual times that we had together.  I had heard that he had broken up with his wife a year ago and started to wonder if the two of us could be together again and maybe even have a decent relationship together.  My hopes were dashed when I found out that he and his wife had gotten back together and he was in a similar situation that he was in when I first met him.  While she agreed to work things out, he had not gotten any affection from her in the past four months.  I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was.  He was still the same.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

April 23 –
Today was just a long day.  The students were difficult.  There were a lot of behavioral problems today.  I stayed at work late and then I came home and worked.  “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

April 24 –
I had a decent day at work.  When I came home, I resolved to get as much work done as possible so it wouldn’t mar the fun weekend that I had planned.  I fell asleep at my laptop.

Exercise – I did my stretching and PT two days  so far – Monday and Thursday!

Diet – I noticed that my diet was decent in the beginning of the week and as it went on, I was craving more and more food that was bad for me.  I went from a simple salad early in the week to two slices of pizza and soda on Friday as the stress piled up.  That being said, I think I only had two meals that were actually Paleo.  I had a few that were close, though!

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I cleaned and de-cluttered two days.

Hygiene – I was showered every day, but I only brushed my teeth on Monday.

Mood and temperament – My mood fluctuated on Monday and Tuesday.  It could be described as stressed on the other days.  Too stressed to determine any other mood. I was also tired on Monday and Friday.


2 thoughts on “April 20-24, 2015

  1. Hi. Did you and Bryan break up? You say that you are single, and that you “dealt with things about Bryan very well.” I am sorry if I am misunderstanding or mis-reading this. I hope you are okay. Take care of yourself.

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