April 19, 2015

I woke up only two hours after I had gone to sleep.  I couldn’t go back to sleep, even though I lay in bed for a few hours trying.  I got up and immediately took to facebook to find some friends to chat with to make me feel better.  Bryan got back to me about another question I had inquired about.  He told me that his OCD had caused several things about me to bother him.  He said that he could never live with me.  He said that I was too insecure.  Never mind the fact that he had essentially dumped me a month and a half earlier.  Of course I was going to be insecure!  But I didn’t want to argue with him about it.  Even though I was hurt and upset, I did not want to get back together with him.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Even so, something still didn’t seem right about this break-up.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was really bothering me.  I asked a number of friends and they said it didn’t seem right either.  His words were much more eloquent than they usually are.  And the fact that he didn’t want to be friends with me afterwards, even though his kids really took to me, struck me as odd too.

Near the end of the day, I sent an apology to an ex of mine for some wrong I did to him over a year ago.  I had been meaning to apologize and figured nothing could feel much worse, so now was the time.  He was surprisingly forgiving and even alluded to the fact that we had some good times together.  He even mentioned that he still thinks about me in his “alone time”.  I was surprised, but pleased.  It was nice to know someone out there was still thinking about me.

I heard back from Bryan.  He stated that he didn’t want to be friends because he didn’t trust himself around me.  He was afraid that he was going to crave those good feelings that I gave him and get back together with me.  I was astounded.  We chatted a little longer.  He seemed astounded that I wasn’t angry.  As one of my friends that I was chatting with had put it, “Sometimes it’s easier to deal with anger than with forgiveness.”  I told him that I would not contact him again.  Any contact he wants to have with me in the future would have to come from him.  And that was it.

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Exercise – None

Diet – I followed my diet. Mainly because I didn’t eat today.

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I did neither today.

Hygiene – I was showered from yesterday.  I did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood still fluctuated, but I was dealing with this much better than I had the last time he had dumped me.  Perhaps it’s just that I had partially gotten over him from before?

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