April 18, 2015

April 18th
I got up early and took my car to the “trustworthy” mechanic.  I asked for them to put the part in and to inspect my vehicle. It turned out the mechanic was trustworthy!  He put in the part and gave me a 10-day inspection sticker.  Once I took the car through enough drive cycles, they said I would be able to get a permenant inspection.  It turns out my care didn’t need that long list of things to fix that both other garages insisted on.  I texted Bryan to let him know, because he wanted to know how the inspection went.  He didn’t seem as excited as I was, but he was busy at work, so I let him be.  I had to drive an hour and a half to another gathering of friends, so I focused on that.

Even though I was told that the issue of the false friends had been dealt with, I still felt a little paranoid, but squashed those feelings as much as I could.  I was friendly to everyone and I had a good day because of it. I made sure to talk about Bryan and his kids, especially around my ex-husband’s girlfriend.  I liked talking about them.  I liked the fact that i felt like I was kind of a part of their family.

My ex-husband was there and he had something of mine that he had found while cleaning, so he got it for me and walked me to my car.  He told me it was good to see me.  I don’t know what kind of look I gave him, but it was probably something between shock and disbelief.  He made some kind of comment about wanting to be friends and whatnot, so I changed the subject.  Apparently what changed everyone’s minds was that he told our circle of mutual friends about my struggles with depression which is why they stopped being mad at me, or something.  And he said it like he had done me a favor!  I tried very hard to keep that a secret from all but my most trusted friends and now everyone knows.  I figured that was a good time to bring up the actual divorce.  I told him I should have the money in the next few months to pay for it.  He offered to pay for it himself even sooner.  I was surprised, but a bit relieved and a bit offended.  I was happy I didn’t have to pay for it.  I was also happy to be officially on the market when Bryan and I had been dating for longer.

At the first rest area, I bought some fast food and checked my texts.  Bryan told me not to come visit him because he wasn’t feeling well.  I offered to come up and take care of the kids so he could get some much-needed rest.  Then he told me he lied. He needed some time by himself to think.  I asked if things were okay with us.  He didn’t answer for a little while. I was driving home at that point in time.  I felt a powerful sinking feeling in my gut and started chain smoking.

Eventually, he responded saying that everything between us was not okay.  That he was enjoying his time with me so much, but that he was effectively using me.  He didn’t care about me, but he liked how I made him feel.  He ten told me what a great person I am and how he couldn’t do this to me any more.  I was shocked.  I spent a lot of my ride home crying on and off.

I got home and tried to get more of an answer from him.  Something just didn’t seem right.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was just an ending.  There was no plea to be friends.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I spent the majority of the evening vacillating between shock and depression.  I also spent time chatting about it with a few select friends.  I ended up on a four-hour long skype with my little brother.  He watched me cry and we talked about a number of different things.  Eventually, around 3am, I got too tired and went to bed.

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Exercise – I walked today.

Diet – Horrible.  I didn’t follow it at all!

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I didn’t do either today.

Hygiene – I showered in the morning but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood was, understandably, all over the place today.

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