March 8, 2015

I got up for the 4am meditation again.  Even though I didn’t get much sleep the night before, I still managed to stay awake.  The time even moved more quickly than it did yesterday.  I drove home, then got a bunch of stuff together to give to Bryan when I saw him.

On the drive there, I was worried about how things would go.  It seemed odd that he wanted to hang out with me as friends so soon, especially since he wasn’t too keen to talk to me ever again not too long ago.  But my trip to help my friends and all of the meditating really helped me get a handle on things.  I was still hurting a bit, but I was finally able to feel a sense of peace and happiness that I had been missing out on for a while.  I was determined to keep my happiness, even though I was going to hang out with him.  I listened to upbeat music and sang along the whole way there.

When I got there, things were surprisingly good.  We went for a walk and I managed to keep a positive mood, even.  We talked, we laughed, and we had more fun than I expected.  There were still awkward moments, but I began to feel confident about our ability to be friends, once I finish getting over him.  He mentioned someone he used to be interested in and I was still jealous, so I know I’m not over it yet.  I wondered if I ever would be.

He couldn’t think  of anything else to do, so he put on a movie for us to watch.  I purposely sat a few feet away from him on the couch and pulled out a project I’ve been working on.  We watched for a little while, and the next thing I know, his hand was touching my shoulder.  I looked at him and asked him what he was doing.  He said he just wanted to touch me.  My first reaction was anger.  Here I was, doing my best to be his friend and get over things and he was messing with my new view on our friendship.  But then he started to massage my shoulders and I couldn’t say no to that.

Then, the massage turned into him touching my stomach and pulling me close to him.  I felt weird.  I thought he wanted to have sex with me already and I just wasn’t over him enough to do that.  He must have felt my reluctance and asked if I was okay with what he was doing.  I told him that physically, I wanted it, but emotionally I wasn’t sure.  He said he felt the same.  That was when I did a double-take.  What did he mean by that?  Why would he be emotionally unsure?  Then we started talking and I realized he was talking about the possibility of getting back together.  I made him stop touching me and we talked.  He realized while I was away that he missed me and recounted a moment where he thought of me and almost started crying.  He realized that we had a really good thing and because he focused on a few of my flaws, he ruined it.  He said that they really were little things and he needs to get over them.  We talked about how the both of us got way too caught up in our relationship to the detriment of the other things in our lives.

I was convinced.  We discussed ways to be together without becoming addicted like we were in the past.  We agreed we would only see each other once a week and we’d plan something to do together that was not sex.  We also agreed to keep an open line of communication going and that we’d bring up issues as they occur rather than waiting until they became big problems.  He said that we need to make sure we’re not backing out of other plans just to hang out.  That was something we both were doing before.  Then, of course, we had sex.  We also went out to eat, too.  I am still insecure about our relationship now.  I am worried that he’ll just randomly change his mind again.  I told him that and I told him he’s going to have to keep reassuring me until I get over it.  I can honestly say, I did not expect this turn of events earlier today!  I stayed later than I should have, but I kept worrying that it was going to go away, so I made the most of it while we were together.

———————————————————————————

Diet: I did not follow my diet.  I though I had made paleo-friendly choices on the menu only to find that the walnut encrusted salmon was also encrusted with something that looked and tasted like a walnut bread crumb mixture.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I did not brush my teeth today and I showered yesterday.

Mood and temperament: My mood was a little up and down.  My temperament was good.

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