March 7, 2015

This weekend I visited some friends that own a spiritual retreat center.  They really live the life, so when I was there, I tried to do it too.  I woke up at 4am and meditated with them. It was not a good meditation. I couldn’t focus. I kept nodding off. My body was extremely uncomfortable, especially around my neck and shoulders. I kept looking at the clock and the time seemed to drag. I went back to sleep and returned for the 6:30am meditation. It went better that time. I finally started to get a feeling of peace and love that I never realized had been lacking in my life for a while until it had returned. I don’t know why, but when I was dating Bryan, somehow that feeling had dissipated. I need to figure out why and what I can do in my life to keep that feeling of peace and love. The next step would be to do it while dating someone, but I have a feeling that will be a while before I am ready to do that.

I didn’t quit smoking today, but I significantly cut down.   I only had three today. It was a great excuse to take a walk and enjoy the beauty around me. It also gave me a chance to think. While I meditate, my focus is not on my own life, so when I took these walks to smoke, I remembered a study saying that just 10 minutes of sunshine every day will help with depression. The walking is also good for my back. I told myself that I would at least take a walk around the block every day after I got home from work. I wondered if I could keep it up, since I am usually very drained when I get home.

I was here to help my friends clean. I thought that it was interesting that I could dedicate a whole day to helping them clean, yet my own apartment was so messy. I reflected that not only is the state of my apartment a reflection of my mood, but it also affects my mood and motivation once it’s messy. I had cleaned out my car on Thursday, bringing in items that I had never unpacked since I moved here. They are all gathered on the floor, waiting for me to find homes for them. I found the notion daunting. I think that is why I did nothing with regards to de-cluttering my apartment.

Because I was not preparing my own food, I found myself having to make diet choices. They fed me, but all of the food was vegetarian.  If I truly stuck with my paleo diet, all I would eat all day would be salad and that just wouldn’t be enough. I decided that I would stay gluten-free and dairy-free. I found that I seem to have a bit of an addiction to grains. I ate some quinoa for lunch and went back for seconds. We were given popcorn for a snack and I kept going back for refill after refill, never feeling sated. Maybe my body was just hungry for protein, which it was sorely lacking here.

On my walks, I also found myself admiring the beauty of the place. The snow was pretty deep and it had a layer of ice on top. During sunrise, there was a reflection of the pink sky on the snow. When the sun was out, it shone with reflections of the sun. At night, it was the prettiest. It reflected the blue of the sky and the light of the lamps that lit the paths. Although the lamps that lit the paths were pretty standard lights, the colors that were reflected in the ice on the snow were varied and very pretty.

There is no cell coverage here. Earlier in the day, a man gave me the wi-fi password when I didn’t even ask for it. I had held off for most of the day, but I had about 20 spare minutes, so I thought I’d go online and fill out my food journal. That didn’t end up happening. I did chat a little with Bryan. Nothing significant was said, just making conversation, really. Even so, my heart skipped a beat when I saw that he wrote back to me. A clear sign that I’m not completely over it yet. But afterwards, it was time to meditate and I had many more thoughts than usual running through my head. Most of those thoughts weren’t even about Bryan. It’s interesting that even a small conversation with him can affect me so greatly. I’m sure I can use that advice somehow in the future to keep myself on track.

——————————————————————-

Diet: I did not stick to my diet for the aforementioned reasons.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I de-cluttered and cleaned, just not my place because I wasn’t home.

Hygiene: I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good. It went from up to very happy, at rare moments.

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