March 6, 2015

Surprisingly, they cancelled work again for today. I was happy because it meant that I could do all of the things I had meant to do the day before, but I kept getting side-tracked. I had plans to go away for the weekend. All I really managed to do before I left was some dishes and packing.

Several things happened over the course of the day to side-track me. First, my brother he told me that I literally saved his life, so I felt good about that. I also got worried because that means that he was suicidal.   We had been chatting since I got dumped since he was going through something similar, but when I found out, I realized we weren’t going through the same thing and got really worried about him.

Next I found myself chatting with Bryan. After some discussion, we both admitted to missing having sex with each other. We talked about the possibility of being fuck-buddies in the future when I’ve calmed down a bit over this. Apparently he needs some time too. We set a few ground rules and left the rest for later discussion. My only requests were that I have time before we start to get over things and that we have complete honesty with each other about who else we have sex with. He had additional requests. He didn’t want any sleeping over and he wanted to make sure it didn’t happen that often. Then he stated that he was concerned about getting addicted. That made me think. He broke this off because he doesn’t want a relationship, but he still wants to talk to me as friends and have sex with me. And he’s concerned about getting addicted. We made plans to meet Sunday afternoon to see how things are going and to get the awkwardness out of the way.

After taking some time for further reflection, I’m starting to think that if I ever settle down with anyone, it would be someone I could be good friends with and great sex with. Then I reflected that my sister was right about the infatuation thing. I could never get over real love so quickly. I was truly in love with my ex-husband. We told each other we loved each other after we had been together for two weeks, but the real love didn’t end up happening until some time later, I think. I think the biggest issue in our relationship was that he was so self-involved that I became involved in him to make sure all his needs were met. Only he wasn’t meeting my needs and I wasn’t meeting his. After we got married, it got worse until I couldn’t take it anymore. Even so, I had feelings for him for a long time afterward. I did my best to pretend that I didn’t because going back to him wouldn’t be good for him or for me.

I’m starting to wonder if these ideas I keep having about what I want to do for dating and relationships are actually mine at all or if I just keep adjusting what I want based on what Bryan wants.   Logically, it seems that my idea of settling down with someone I can be good friends and have fun with, someone who has the same ideas about responsibility as me, and someone I can have great sex with sounds ideal. I’m not sure with my approach to relationships that it will ever happen, so for now, I think I will continue to just meet new guys. Logically, becoming fuck-buddies with Bryan is probably a bad idea, but we really had the best and most fulfilling sex I ever had. How could I turn that down?

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Diet: I stuck to my diet, but really didn’t have any protein today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did no de-cluttering or cleaning

Hygiene: I did not shower or brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was oddly decent, but I still found myself extremely unmotivated. Maybe I was just tired from staying out so late. When I found out Bryan wanted to still sleep with me, I felt almost neutral about it. Then when I was packing, I put on some upbeat music and found myself dancing around my apartment.

 

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