March 4, 2015

Some other advice that my friend Bridget gave me was to meet some guys from the dating website I’m on as just friends.  The idea is to practice meeting guys and not dating them.  Also, I will need to practice not looking at every guy I meet as the possible father of my future children.  To just enjoy meeting and spending time with people without thinking of the future.  To be honest, I’m not sure I can do this, but I am going to try.  To that effect, I had a phone conversation with a guy named Adam last night.  He complimented my beauty enough times to make me feel uncomfortable.  Okay, every time it was uncomfortable.  After the third time, I made sure to reiterate that I was just looking for friends at this point and told him that I’m not ready to date anyone else.  We talked for an hour and a half.  He was very interesting, but I worry that I can’t do what I set out to do.  We made tentative plans to meet tonight, but the weather may change that.  I’m not sure that I’m ready to meet someone new, but maybe that’s the point.  It’s to meet someone new without them being a new love interest.  I don’t know.  It was really nice talking to him, but I feel conflicted over the whole thing.

I got to bed late, around 11:30.  I woke up every two hours or so.  I have been up since 4:00. Every time I woke up, there was a pained feeling in my chest.  Oddly enough, I’m not terribly teary, just in pain.  I wonder if being able to cry about it would help the pain, but since I can’t right now, I suppose it’s merely conjecture.

I also realized that I have to shower.  I smell like an ashtray and had parents to meet with this morning at work.  I also realized the real reason I have not showered. The last shower I took was on Thursday morning with Bryan.  I mean, I have to get over it sometime, but it’s difficult.  I smoked three cigarettes so I wouldn’t be tempted to have any more before school, sucked it up, and showered.  It was much more difficult than it should have been.

My day at work went rather well until I checked my email at lunch. I received an email from Bryan. He was talking about wanting to meet women, but just to date. Nothing serious. I had also told him about Bridget’s advice. He had warned me against it saying that guys enjoy the power of trying to sleep with women who are “friend-zoned”. I got upset, because I took what he said as he wanted to date, but not date me.  And it also seemed like the third reason he had for breaking things off with me.  Like he had a different story for ending things every time I talked to him.  I wrote back to him.  And because I was angry, I was less than kind.  I received a quick reply where he said he didn’t think that writing to each other was going to work.  I replied, apologizing, calling on his good nature to be understanding and forgiving. I didn’t hear back, so I was extremely upset and had a very difficult time maintaining composure to teach my last two classes. I may have been unduly harsh when chastising some poorly behaved students, but otherwise think I pulled it off.  It helped that they were young, I think.

Bryan wrote back saying that I needed to stop taking the things he said the wrong way or to stop writing to him.  I wrote to him again saying that I would do my best to not be an asshole, but that as I work through this, I may be overemotional or overreact at times. I haven’t heard back from him since.

I had planned to meet Adam later in the evening than I would have liked, so I decided to take a short nap when I got home.  It ended up being two hours long and I was woken by my alarm.  I had a good time with Adam and we had a lot to converse about, but we really didn’t have anything overwhelmingly in common on any subject that I could find.  He grew up in Taiwan and is a real estate agent.  He doesn’t read much or watch movies often.  It’s clear that he likes me and would date me if he could.  He complimented my appearance once, saying that I looked better in person, even though I looked like my photos.  I tried to react in such a way that it hopefully looked as awkward as it felt.  I think it worked, because he didn’t try again.  He seemed struck by my comfort in talking with him and said that I’m really a class unto myself, as far as women went.  He paid for our meal.  The only reason I let him was because he insisted that he would do the same for a friend and told me I could pay next time.  He walked me to my building and gave me a hug.  He asked if we could hang out again and I said we could.

Even though I have been completely honest with him about my position and situation, I still feel bad.  He clearly likes me and would date me if he could.  I think he’s just hanging out with me until I get over Bryan and then has hopes of stepping in once I’m over it.  I don’t know if I want to date, even when I am over it, so I feel like I’m leading him on, even though I have been completely honest with him.

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Diet: I mostly followed my diet today.  There was an exception when I was eating out with Adam when I ordered a burger without the bun and realized that cheese would make it palatable.  I see that cheese is going to be my biggest struggle in my new diet. I also had alcohol.  It followed the rules of being grain-free, but I’m not sure I’m supposed to drink.

De-clutering and cleaning: I did nothing today.  For the brief period of time that I was home, I spent napping.

Hygiene: I showered and at least used mouth wash, even if I didn’t brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: Fluctuated from depressed to up. My temperament was poor given my treatment of Bryan today.

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