March 2, 2015

I dreamed last night that I was visiting my mom when I started vomiting blood.  I was about to tell her it wasn’t a big deal, when I coughed or sneezed or something and my tongue came flying out of my mouth.  She deftly caught it.  It was very vivid and very disturbing.

I was back to work today.  We had another two hour delay, which made things a lot easier.  I only saw each class for about 20 minutes or so.  I told my principal that I wasn’t feeling well, so I showed videos in all of my classes.  I  started to get back into the swing of things.  As the day went on, I slowly started getting my head back into the life that I had largely started to ignore for Bryan.  Don’t get me wrong, there were still a few times when I had to fight back tears, but thankfully, I kept it from being apparent to my students.  I consider that my form of professionalism.  I do try.  I just don’t always succeed, so I was thankful that I was able to keep it intact this time.

I started eating again. I just had something small.  Oddly, it did not make me feel better.  Because it had been two full days of complete fasting, the food went really quickly through my system and made me ill.

In the evening, there was a gathering of acquaintences that I had arranged some time ago and forgotten about.  Because I was the one who had organized it, I felt like I had to be there.  It was good for me to get out and be with people.  Again, it was good for me.  I felt like I had turned a corner in my grieving process.

I also received an e-mail from Bryan.  He was still confused about many things other than the fact that he cares about me.  He’s not sure if he wanted to be in a relationship with me or even that he wanted to be in a relationship at all.  He did say that he thought we shouldn’t see each other to give him some space, but that he still wanted to chat with me via e-mail.  I think that also helped me.  It was nice to get to communicate with him.  I think I’m done with unrealistic expectations from him.  I still care for him.  I also understand that he may never want a relationship from me, but some small part of me holds on to the hope that things may work.  That part of me is thankfully getting smaller and smaller, so I am no longer quite as upset about the situation.  I can see things very well from his point of view having been there myself, fresh out of my marriage, a little over a year ago myself.  That has helped a lot.

———————————————————————

Diet: The one thing I ate today was not in my eating plan.  I was at work and bought the closest thing I could to something ideal.  It was still nowhere near ideal.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I again did nothing today.

Hygiene: Nonexistent.  I did my best to make myself presentable for work.  I hope I succeeded.

Mood and temperament:  My mood obviously fluctuated greatly.  I definitely had spells of depression and crying.  I also had brief moments where I could smile and laugh, though I could not call my mood at any one point to be “happy”.

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