To make a long story short, I managed to get Bryan on the phone. It turns out he had written an e-mail to me last night breaking up with me, only I never got it. We talked and he told me that he lied about how long he and his wife had been broken up for. She only moved out 4 months before we started dating. After much discussion on the subject, we ended up agreeing that we could still date only scale things back since it went went too fast the first time. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Looking back, I started to focus more on my time with him than on the other aspects of my life as I’m prone to doing with relationships. We made plans to meet somewhere on Tuesday. I decided to drive up there and get my apartment key back from him since we’re “taking things slow.” Honestly, it was just an excuse to see him.
I filled up on gas, bought some cigarettes, and made the drive to go see him. I had other things to return to him, but I would have to find them and they could wait until Tuesday. When I saw him, he looked very different. His eyes showed none of their warmth. He spent most of the time looking at the ground, apologizing, hugging me, and saying he didn’t know. I was not encouraged. On my way home I wondered if he really did have interest in making things work or was just trying to “let me down gently”.
I called my friend Bridget, mainly to ask her advice for how to take things slow. I told her the whole story and found myself giving myself insights about myself while I was telling her. There was no discernible pattern in the guys I have dated recently. There was a discernible pattern in my behavior. I get involved with a good guy. I get too attached too quickly and he backs off. I also seem to get over guys rather quickly. There will be a good 1-2 week period where I can’t sleep, won’t eat, and then I’ll get calm and move on. And around that 3rd week, when I’m finally starting to love my life and myself again, and am not interested in meeting someone new, I’ll meet someone even more wonderful than the last one. I’m clearly feeling my biological clock ticking because I have gotten this upset over everyone I have broken up with since my ex-husband. I also have a tendency to lose myself in the guys I date. I dive headfirst into a relationship with a romantic fervor that would rival that of any Disney movie, much to the detriment of the other aspects of my life. I tried to keep myself from doing it with Bryan, but clearly, I failed. I keep treating each new guy like they’re “the one” from very early on. How can I become part of a couple while still retaining myself? Time must be spent on the new guy and it has to come from somewhere, so of course something is going to have to give. Right?
Everyone I talked to, Bridget included, told me that he was an asshole for not telling me the truth about how it had been since he and his wife were living together. Bridget was the only one who thought it might have been intentional.
I don’t know. I sent him an e-mail asking him to tell me if he still cares for me and if he’s still willing to try. That’s all I’d need for me to try and make it work. I’m expecting him to say that he still cares, but he’s not willing to try. Wow. I just had a deja vu of me writing that I heard back from him and it was the opposite — he’d be willing to try if he still cares. I just hope he is going to be man enough to tell me the truth and not “pussyfoot” around the issue. I’d like to know if I should start working on getting over him or work on myself while working on a relationship with him. It seems I’m still stuck wondering and waiting. I’m a lot calmer about this now. But that could just be all of the nicotine calming me down. Considering I have been on a steady diet of water and nicotine since yesterday morning, I suppose I’m doing quite well.
The worst part is my utter lack of motivation. I have literally spent almost the entire day scrolling through Facebook. How many times did I see the same pictures? Mostly of my friends and their children and families. It didn’t stop me though. I don’t know what I was looking for. A connection to humanity? Something to keep my mind off it all? I dunno. It was like a car accident. I just couldn’t look away. I kept scrolling. I’d get to a point where I realized I just saw the same 25 posts, refresh, then see two new posts and scroll through the same 25 posts I just saw.
Diet: I ate nothing today
De-cluttering and cleaning: I did nothing today
Hygiene: I did nothing today
Mood and temperament: My mood ranged from being extremely depressed to just neutral. My temperament was not good at times.