I stayed up to 2:30 in the morning. By about 1am all of my facebook friends had gone to bed. I did everything I could to keep my mind from focusing only on Bryan. I checked my email and saw the daily wisdom that I subscribe to. It said, “Reduce your desires and your problems will be reduced.” I was reminded of a story called Dreamgiver. In this story, the main character has a dream. He goes through many obstacles and ridicule to achieve his dream. At one point, he is required to give his dream up to God who later gives it back to him. I remember having a really difficult time with this part of the story as a spiritual growth tool. Do I believe in some kind of benevolent power out there? Yes. But I have a really difficult time to just trust that benevolent power with my dream. What if I’m wrong and it never happens? Maybe it’s impractical to assume that a benevolent power has that kind of a power in my life. Maybe God, for want of a better term, has larger things to deal with than me and my petty dreams. I don’t know.
I checked my horoscope and it said, “Are you moving from one phase to another in a relationship? This is not an ending. This is not a bad thing. This is growth. You may have sad feelings about leaving an old way behind, or you may have apprehension about entering a new kind of union with someone you know well, but your fears will be eased very soon. You will see that this is actually a very good thing, and a necessary thing, and that it will bring you amazing rewards.” This gave me some semblance of hope.
I suppose desperate people trust in horoscopes, coincidences, and signs. I suppose that makes me desperate. Either way, by about 2am, I decided to send Bryan an e-mail. I wrote the following:
Look, I’ve been thinking about it. We have been together less than two months. That is an awfully short time to base this kind of decision on and it’s unfair of me to ask you to make it. Maybe we should focus less on the future at this point then on continuing to get to know each other. Don’t worry about ruining my dreams, I am perfectly capable of looking after them myself. Honestly, if I was that worried about it, I would have gotten myself knocked up years ago.
Unless, if course this was about more than the kids thing. In which case, I would like to know the truth.
Maybe we got too serious too fast. Maybe when we have been together a substantial amount of time, not the duration of an antibiotic cycle, we can revisit the future. Lets focus on losing weight and not what could happen years from now. What do you think?
Maybe it was wise. Maybe it was stupid. I have been over-analyzing and second-guessing everything so much that I can’t even make sense of anything anymore. I am still waiting and it’s SO FUCKING DIFFICULT! I can’t concentrate on anything. I slept for 3 hours last night. I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. My stomach is really messed up. My head hurts from dehydration. It’s tough to motivate myself to do anything, even if it’s just to get up and get water or go to the bathroom. I have a list of things that I need to get done and I can’t bring myself to do any of it.
My stomach has been messed up for a few days now, but it’s a great excuse for not eating. It’s self-harming behavior that doesn’t show. And it’s a way to continue harming myself constantly to feel the pangs and pains of hunger rather than to just cut myself and feel the pain later.
My biggest fear in all this is that Bryan isn’t going to ever get back to me. The ex that dumped me in January never did tell me one way or another after he said he’d think about them. My fear is that Bryan may be the same. I shouldn’t fear that. Bryan is a decent guy who wouldn’t leave me hanging after making his decision, but it’s so tough to wait! I hope he gets back to me before tomorrow. It’s going to make work next to impossible for me.