February 28, 2015

I haven’t written in a few days.  I was busy and I was sick.  Maybe I’ll go back and write those entries retroactively, but I know damn well I don’t feel like doing that now.  I am really sad right now.  I guess it’s sad/depressed.  Bryan and I may be over.  I don’t know.  And I think it’s not knowing that makes it worse.

The day started off well enough. I awoke in his arms and we had sex three times. I was still feeling “off” because I was still a bit sick, so we spent the day watching movies.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but a few weeks after “getting back together” after him telling me that he didn’t want any more kids, he told me that he’d be open to the possibility.  Today he told me that he doesn’t want them.  I started to cry and told him he’s asking me to choose between the person I love and my dream.  After much discussion, it turns out that he’s afraid he can’t trust me to have kids with.  Not just me, anyone.  After asking him what he meant, he continued to say that when you have kids with someone, it connects you with them for the rest of your life.  Even if ten years down the line, you both change, you still will have to deal with them. So you are basically trusting that you will be with the other person forever and he said he couldn’t do that.  I told him I didn’t want him to “knock me up” tomorrow and that if he’s willing to try to get over it, I would do what I could to help him.  He reaffirmed that he loves me and that’s why it took him so long to tell me. He also said he doesn’t want it to be his fault that I don’t achieve my dream.  The conversation ended with him having to decide if he would be willing to try to get over it (with my help, as much as I could give) or not.  He said it was not a question he could answer right now.  I told him I would try to give him the time and space he needed to decide.  During the entire time we were talking about this, I was trying my damnedest not to tell him that it was very unlikely he was going to find a woman who enjoyed children but didn’t want any of her own, but I thought that was crossing the line and unfair, so I didn’t.

Then there was a lot of crying and hugging.  I cried more, but amidst the hugging, he kissed me.  I packed and left.  I did my best to drive through tears.  I smoked a cigarette and that helped me calm down enough.  I don’t generally smoke, but do it when I really need to calm down.

The most difficult thing was doing nothing.  I am stuck waiting and wondering. Do I move on? Do I cry some more? Do I just live in a perpetual state of flux until I hear from him?  I talked to my friend Ellie who suggested that I just up and move on.  She says that the perfect one for me is out there somewhere and that I shouldn’t waste any time on a guy who is clearly not what I’m looking for.  I talked to my sister who suggested I give Bryan the few days benefit of the doubt by waiting.  My sister also seemed to think that what I have with Bryan is infatuation, not love.  I could see where she’s coming from, but even if it’s infatuation, it’s still a really painful emotion for me to deal with right now.  I really don’t want to try and date anyone again.  I’m SO SICK of trying again, getting attached and getting hurt.  It’s like that line from that Nine Inch Nails song “You are someone else, I am still right here.”

Now, several hours later, I am wondering why we’re having this conversation two months into our relationship.  Why can’t we just enjoy being with each other and sort it out later?  I actually broke down and called him to ask him that question.  He never picked up, so I never left a message.  I am torn.  I hurt, a lot.  And it’s close to midnight and I’m afraid to go to bed because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts before I fall asleep and I am really contemplating hurting myself right now. If any of you out there have thoughts or advice, I’d love to hear it right now.

————————————————————————————————

I didn’t get a damn thing done today.

Mood: I went from happy to crying-my-eyes-out depressed.

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