February 23, 2015

This morning I awoke around 4:30 with a feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and a need to run to the bathroom.  I have two theories about why each has happened.  The dissatisfaction is clearly a symptom of depression.  I am unsure what caused the depression, but it may be the fact that I have been off of work for a week or the fact that I’ve been finishing off all of the wheat products in my apartment in preparation for actually following a diet next month.  I think that the same could have caused my need to run to the bathroom this morning or the new thyroid pills.  I HAVE been experiencing this a lot lately, which may be a combination of the pills and me eating gluten.  That seems to be when I have problems.

As far a my dissatisfaction with life goes, I felt like everything I was doing in life was meaningless.  Thinking about my daily activities, I wondered what the point of my life was.  I spend my time trying to keep myself clean, keep my apartment clean, and try and just treat water with my finances.  I’m in my mid-30s.  What have I actually done with my life?

The rest of my day back to work was okay.  I bought the school lunch because I hadn’t packed anything.  My back started to hurt near the end of my workday.  By the time I got home, it was so bad, I had to take a shower-bath instead of a shower.  It hurt too much to stand for too long. I was REALLY tired and had contemplated a nap as soon as I got home, but told myself I would be better off if I just got all of my things done now.  As a result, very little got done. I did my best, but I really ended up wasting a lot of time on the internet.  I was looking at land that I could purchase so I could have a house, grow my own food, etc.  I also want to have goats.  I don’t have any money, so I suppose it was a bit of a moot point.  I also was looking at ways to grow your own food in a tiny space (like my current apartment).  I bought an e-book about growing a lot of food in a 4’x4′ space.  I skimmed through it, but it really didn’t seem to be worth the money I paid for it.  I’ll read it in more detail later, I guess.

I even procrastinated going to bed, so I won’t even get a full night’s sleep.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both.  I completely scrubbed and cleaned the bathroom floor.  It looks so pretty now!  I really only have to clean the toilet tomorrow and then all I will need to focus on is maintenance cleaning!  I am almost done with my first room when it comes to de-cluttering things in plain sight.  I guess it’s pretty obvious that de-cluttering is more my issue than cleaning.

Hygiene: I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My temperament was good, but my mood was bad.  I was often tired and often depressed.

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