This morning I awoke around 4:30 with a feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and a need to run to the bathroom. I have two theories about why each has happened. The dissatisfaction is clearly a symptom of depression. I am unsure what caused the depression, but it may be the fact that I have been off of work for a week or the fact that I’ve been finishing off all of the wheat products in my apartment in preparation for actually following a diet next month. I think that the same could have caused my need to run to the bathroom this morning or the new thyroid pills. I HAVE been experiencing this a lot lately, which may be a combination of the pills and me eating gluten. That seems to be when I have problems.
As far a my dissatisfaction with life goes, I felt like everything I was doing in life was meaningless. Thinking about my daily activities, I wondered what the point of my life was. I spend my time trying to keep myself clean, keep my apartment clean, and try and just treat water with my finances. I’m in my mid-30s. What have I actually done with my life?
The rest of my day back to work was okay. I bought the school lunch because I hadn’t packed anything. My back started to hurt near the end of my workday. By the time I got home, it was so bad, I had to take a shower-bath instead of a shower. It hurt too much to stand for too long. I was REALLY tired and had contemplated a nap as soon as I got home, but told myself I would be better off if I just got all of my things done now. As a result, very little got done. I did my best, but I really ended up wasting a lot of time on the internet. I was looking at land that I could purchase so I could have a house, grow my own food, etc. I also want to have goats. I don’t have any money, so I suppose it was a bit of a moot point. I also was looking at ways to grow your own food in a tiny space (like my current apartment). I bought an e-book about growing a lot of food in a 4’x4′ space. I skimmed through it, but it really didn’t seem to be worth the money I paid for it. I’ll read it in more detail later, I guess.
I even procrastinated going to bed, so I won’t even get a full night’s sleep.
De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both. I completely scrubbed and cleaned the bathroom floor. It looks so pretty now! I really only have to clean the toilet tomorrow and then all I will need to focus on is maintenance cleaning! I am almost done with my first room when it comes to de-cluttering things in plain sight. I guess it’s pretty obvious that de-cluttering is more my issue than cleaning.
Hygiene: I showered and brushed my teeth today.
Mood and temperament: My temperament was good, but my mood was bad. I was often tired and often depressed.
When I awoke this morning, my depression had thankfully faded. We had slept 10 hours and I was still tired when I awoke. I made pancakes, we had sex, then he left. I had spent almost my entire break with Bryan. It was wonderful, but I had expected to get so much more accomplished. Once he was gone, I started to worry about all of the things I had meant to accomplish that I did not. I put my to-do list together and then got distracted/focused on one specific project.
I was very tired all day long, but spent the majority of it working on that one project. I got a lot done with regards to that particular project, but otherwise, did not accomplish much.
I also started going through my cupboards in preparation for next month’s focus. I’m kind of nervous because this is an area where I need SERIOUS help! Maybe it’s good that this one is next!
De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.
Hygiene: I brushed my teeth, but my hair is quite oily at this point from a lack of showering.
Mood and temperament: Neutral with the tendency to fluctuate both up and down throughout the day.
After our typical morning sex, Bryan made me breakfast in bed. Then we left to go out to lunch with my friend Dan. While I did tell Bryan that I had had sex with several of my friends, but that if I wanted to date my friends, I wouldn’t be dating Bryan. He seemed pretty content with that speech, so I decided not to tell him specifically that I had slept with Dan several times this summer. We went out to lunch. I had a coupon for 20% off of one order, so I told everyone that they could just give me the money for their meal. I thought that made it pretty clear that everyone was paying for themselves. Bryan took out his wallet to try and pay me, when Dan thanked me for buying him lunch. Several times. So Bryan put his money away too. Having to buy that car battery caused me to spend money that I really didn’t have to spend. I didn’t have the extra money to buy everyone lunch this week. Maybe I should have said something, but I also had guilty feelings about sleeping with Dan this summer while having no interest in him (even though I told him that I didn’t) and of not telling Bryan specifically that I had slept with Dan.
Bryan and I had other plans, but due to the weather, we spent the night in. It was very nice at first. I cooked some food for us. Then I tried to update my blog for the day before. I was almost done when the screen froze and I lost everything I was working on. My mood just plummeted. The same thing could have happened to me on a different day and I would have been annoyed, but otherwise fine. I entered into a mild depression. Bryan instantly knew something had changed. He asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain that the fact that I lost my blog affected me more than it should have. He kindly told me I should work on my blog and then maybe it would go away. It didn’t. He tried to cheer me up, but the only thing that I really wanted to to do was cuddle with him. I know it bothered him, but there was really nothing I could do. I later fell asleep cuddling with him.
De-cluttering and cleaning: I didn’t do either today.
Hygiene: I didn’t brush my teeth or shower today.
Mood and temperament: My mood was decent at the beginning of the day and went downhill from there.