January 30, 2015

Last night right before bed, I started showing signs of depression.  Because I have had to deal with depression for so long and because I have been fluctuating between depressed and content a lot in recent years, I knew the signs that depression was creeping up on me.  That’s what depression does for me.  It doesn’t smack me in the face with a depressive episode, but taunts me quietly with the belief that my life is horrible and nobody likes me.  It usually just starts with one aspect of my life and snowballs from there into an avalanche of misery.

I hadn’t heard from Bryan all day yesterday.  Normally, I would have just assumed that he was busy or something came up to keep him from contacting me in some way.  Instead I actually questioned his affection.  If anyone saw him when we were together, there would be absolutely no room for doubt in his affection for me, so I knew that it was a sign of depression.  I stayed up later than usual to keep myself from thinking myself into a worse depression and fell asleep with the tv on, which is something I very rarely do.  This morning, I e-mailed Bryan and asked him if we were still spending time together today because I hadn’t heard from him the day before.  His return e-mail set my mind at ease, thus staving off the depression.  For now.

Today was a long day at work. They do an odd sort of open house where the parents come in and observe you teaching. This struck me as odd because there were schools where I previously taught that actively prevented parents from observing classes. While they were observing my class, two parents pulled out their cell phones and started to video the kids. Not me, but the students. I’m guessing they liked the lesson and what the kids were doing. I was surprised I jumped to that conclusion, to be honest. Because of so much going on at the beginning of the day, the rest of my workday dragged on. I was glad when it ended!

I went to the chiropractor and then to Bryan’s place. Bryan seemed to be concerned about getting to know each other because whenever we’re together all he wants to do is kiss me and touch me. I don’t understand what’s wrong with that considering we have phone conversations and some of those conversations last for hours. So we watched a new tv show we both enjoyed and I tried to keep him from kissing me “too much”. He also invited some of his friends over so that kept us apart for most of the night.

My back started REALLY hurting a few hours after the chiropractor.  I have been going to the chiropractor for a few weeks now.  At first, it really hurt when he cracked my back.  They call it an adjustment, but what they do is crack my back.  I couldn’t understand why friends of contentmine actually LIKED going to the chiropractor.  It was PAINFUL.  Then the pain subsided when he cracked my back, but I still am not at the point where I feel relief enough to enjoy going.  I noticed the better pain days were better, but the bad days were still pretty bad.  Now the bad days seem to preface bad weather, but snow is not expected until Sunday.

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Hygiene – I showered, but was so tired that I went to bed without brushing my teeth.

Mood and temperament – I was content, but tired all day.  I didn’t snap at anybody today.

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