January 21, 2015

I can almost always gauge my mood based on how I react to other people.  I started getting back into my happiness yesterday.  Maybe “happiness” isn’t the best word for it.  It could be enlightenment, contentment, or any other word of your choice.  I use the word “happiness” because it is an ideal state for me.  Here is a scale I came up with to show how my mood based on how I react to other people.

Majorly depressed – Nobody likes me, I hate how I feel, I want to hurt myself.
Depressed – Nobody likes me, I hate how I feel.
Down – Nobody likes me.
Neutral – I am apathetic to other people.
Up – I can feel loving feelings toward younger kids.
Happy – I can feel loving feelings towards kids, my older students, and adults.
Majorly happy – I can feel loving feelings toward everyone, even the people who cut me off in traffic or have wronged me in the past.

I realized that the scale kind of sounds pedophile-ish. It’s not that way at all. It’s the same loving feelings that one would feel towards cute puppies and kittens. For some reason, little kids are easier to feel love towards than adults. I don’t mean romantic love. I mean a platonic love that one feels for everyone and everything when they’re truly happy. Maybe it’s just because I work with kids or like working with the little ones better than the older ones due to their sense of wonder or excitement in everything. I don’t know why. I also think that it’s sad that I have to make this statement about not being a pedophile.

I saw Bryan again tonight.  This time I went to his place.   I was very excited about the state of it.  It was furnished simply with simple decor.  And it was CLEAN.  Not the kind of rushed clean that most guys will pull off when they find out someone is coming over the next day.  This is the kind of clean that indicates that it USUALLY looks that way!    He complained that we’re not really getting to know each other all that well because we spend all our time kissing each other.  I quite agree.  But we still couldn’t help it!  We may have to schedule actual dates just to make sure we’re getting to know each other.  It’s so odd that I feel so comfortable with someone I didn’t know existed two weeks before.  He complained several times that he didn’t want me to leave.  It was sweet, but a little disconcerting.  He was worried that things were moving too fast between us.  He talked about how his ex had moved in after 3 weeks.  Even though I didn’t say anything, most of the guys I had lived with had moved in with me within a month.  I assured him that wouldn’t happen because my lease wasn’t up until September!   I will just need to make sure that everything else between us moves slowly!

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Hygiene – I brushed my teeth, but I showered yesterday, so I wasn’t due to shower yet.

Mood and temperament – My mood was up.  I like that I created a mood scale for myself so it’s easier to determine how I am doing.  My temperament was also good with no real issues in how I treated people.

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