January 20, 2015

This morning I woke up at 4am.  I guess this thing with me and Bryan is affecting me more than I thought.  I also woke up with an epiphany.  Every so often, when I have some sort of problem or something that I can’t resolve, I will often wake up in the morning and have an answer to that problem.  This morning was different.  I woke up and realized that due to my medical conditions I SHOULDN’T have kids.  I take medication for my thyroid and supplements for my depression.  Both of which I shouldn’t take while pregnant because they both cause complications and possible birth defects.  And I shouldn’t go without them because then I’ll be really depressed and get really fat really quickly.  Neither of which would be good for me, the baby, or the people around me.

At first I saw it as a relief because that meant it would be okay to date Bryan.  I didn’t even stop to question the fact that I was thinking like this having just known him a week.  That thought came later in the day.  As the day progressed, it really hit me that I shouldn’t have kids.  And I got depressed.  I have always wanted to have kids.  Always.  And now this dream was shattered.  When I got home, things were even worse.  I started listening to my depressed mix and thinking that I had spent enough time on this earth and wondered if it was time to leave.  I wasn’t suicidal, per say.  I was just sick of living in pain.  I didn’t have a plan, it was more of a theoretical thing, but it did bother me.  I have never been suicidal before, with the exception of suicidal thoughts as a side effect of a medication.

Bryan had asked to hang out with me as friends.  When he got there, I was a mess.  I was wearing pj pants and an over-sized t-shirt with no bra and slippers.  I was a hot mess.  When he got there, I told him what had occurred to me and started to cry.  He just held me and told me that he was no good with things like that.  I told him he was doing all I really needed which was holding me and being patient until I calm down.  I started to calm down for a bit and asked for a hug.  He gave me a nice long hug.  And then another one.  And then he kissed me on my cheek.  And then he kissed me on my lips.  And then we just didn’t stop kissing.  I guess it’s impossible for us to just be friends, but I didn’t mind.  He told me that he was worried that he’s so emotionally involved with someone he met about a week ago.  Then I thought about it and the ridiculousness of the situation became apparent to me too.  It didn’t feel like I’ve known him a week.  I felt like I had known him for much longer.  It was weird, but very nice.  He couldn’t stay long, but the entire time, we just couldn’t stop kissing.  I am glad we are back together.  Logically, it seems silly that I like someone so much that I didn’t even know before a week before.  But I guess we can’t always choose our emotions.

—————————————————————————————————————

Hygiene – I showered but didn’t brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – I was SERIOUSLY depressed for part of the day, but also was happy for the end of it.

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