January 9, 2015

I awoke briefly at 4:00 this morning, but was able to go back to sleep afterwards.  I was very tired when I woke up.  My day seemed very long.  I had thought that since the pain went away on Thursday that I was over my ex.  Seeing him on Thursday had brought back some emotions.  Not all, but some.  I’m not sure if it was because of the emotions or because I was so tired, but work seemed to drag by today.  I was also really sore from teaching all of that choreography yesterday.

My ex and I started chatting a little bit online again.  Not much, but at least there is a small amount of dialogue happening.  I also have this feeling that he’s not being entirely honest with me about something, but I can’t put my finger on what.  I have been trying not to over-analyze it or think about it because when I do, the pain in my chest comes back.  I have been trying not to, because I have a tendency to over-analyze things.  I think this is the first time that I actually realized that my tendency to over-analyze actually causes me more pain.  I think I’m going to try not to.  It’s going to be tough though, because that’s my nature.  That’s how I’ve always been up until now.

Now, something I hadn’t mentioned up until now is that I haven’t eaten much since we broke up.  When people offered me food, I ate it.  Otherwise, I ate one meal a day.  Usually a handful of nuts for lunch.  However, if there was chocolate in the faculty room, I always made sure to eat a few pieces in front of my coworkers. At first, I just really didn’t feel like eating.  Then, it almost seemed like a self-damaging behavior to inflict pain on myself to minimize the other pain that I feel.  Only not eating didn’t show any physical evidence like cutting myself or piercing my own ears used to.  The best part was that I was losing weight! It seemed to be a win-win situation. I even saved money because one large box of almonds had lasted me for a weeks worth of lunches and there was still half a box left!  Well, today I started eating again.  I was driving to visit some friends that lived an hour and a half away and got REALLY hungry. I stopped at a fast food place and probably consumed my full day’s worth of calories in one sitting.  I was planning to go back to not eating again, but I have a weekend full of food-related plans.  I’ll have to go back to it on Monday again.

I almost broke down crying in front of my friends when I told them about my ex.  I felt like they were expecting me to cry more than I did.  I really think I’m getting over it.  I’m not completely there yet, but I think I’m well on my way.  It was good to hang out with my friends, but I fell asleep for about a half hour of it!  As I left, some of them offered to be there if I needed to talk and one said he was going to be in my area the next day, so we made plans to get lunch.

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Hygiene – I didn’t brush my teeth or shower.

Mood and temperament – Middling.  I think I treated everyone well, but my mood varied too much for my taste.

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