I woke up at 2:30 this morning with my heart hurting. I was so dehydrated, I was crying, but very few tears came out. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I couldn’t stop crying. I finally got to the point where something needed to happen. I was still staying with friends, so my initial impulse to just scream obscenities wasn’t going to work. I entertained the idea of cutting myself (which I haven’t actually done in years). I needed to do something or go mad from the pain inside of my chest. I finally started rocking side to side while laying down. It was something to do. It had an odd calming effect on me and I actually went back to sleep. I woke up again several times, so I rocked side to side and went back to sleep.
I had a heart-to-heart chat with my one friend this morning about my abrasive speech and lack of tact. It occurred to me that I unknowingly pushed my boyfriend away by my behavior. I sent him one last message. This one was written when I was in a calmer state of mind. I took responsibility saying that I needed to work on myself as a person (which I do) and asked him if he might be willing to work on things together. I haven’t heard back from him yet, even though I sent him that message 10 hours ago. He actually hasn’t been back online since he read that message. I’m hoping it’s a good sign and that he’s considering it. I told him this would be the last time I’d bother him about this, so I need to stick to my word. I just hope it doesn’t take him too long to reply!
I drove home from my friends house and re-listened to that self-help best-seller again. It really helped. I spent my car ride trying to find inner peace and driving out the thoughts in my head telling me that he’s probably already sleeping with someone else or that he dumped me so he could be with someone else, etc. It didn’t always work, but it gave me something to focus on. I did yell at myself a lot for the inner dialogue that was NOT helping my pain.
When I got home, I did a few chores and spent quality time with my cats. I felt comparatively better.
Take the list from yesterday, get rid of the things you had no direct control over, could not do this year, were already one of the focuses for other months, or could not be worked on this month for other reasons.
1. I want to figure out my life! (I’m going to change this one to “Become a better person”)
2. I want to be pain-free (I have spinal issues).
3. I want to have better hygiene.
MOOD – More stable, especially near the end of the day, but I still broke down crying a lot.