January 2, 2015 – What’s Holding Me Back from Getting What I Want?

I spent last night at my mom’s house. I didn’t want to be in my apartment alone.  I stayed up late, perusing facebook, trying to distract myself and afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I was so dehydrated from all of the crying that my lips were cracked and hurting. I dreamed I had a bite that looked like a mosquito bite, only it was the size of a walnut. It started to bleed from the center, so I squeezed it.  Then I looked back a few minutes later and there was another bite next to the first one.  That was my whole dream.  I don’t often remember my dreams, so I thought it was noteworthy. I awoke at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I was able to calm down today.  I still burst into tears whenever I got hugged or someone did a random act of kindness.  Even so, I was calmer than yesterday.  My outbursts of crying were less random and MUCH less frequent.  I did a lot of driving as well.  I drove several hours north to visit some very good friends.  I listened to an audiobook of the most recent self-help best-seller.  It oddly helped me calm down.

I also realized that it was fear that was making me upset.  It wasn’t just the fear of losing a man who I thought was right for me in so many ways.  It was the fear that I would NEVER find someone who I could grow old with and have kids with and build a family with.

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Today’s task is to look at the list of things that I want and write what’s holding me back from getting them.

1. I want to be less emotional!

I fear it’s just my brain chemistry, my character, and the fact that I get too attached to things.

2. I want to be able to balance all of the aspects of my life better.

I may have too many things going on.  I also get too focused on one thing at a time, so I’ll ignore all other aspects of my life.  By that time, I’m caught in catch-up  mode.

3. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail.

Time, money, maybe the inner strength, and possibly the physical ability to carry a pack several miles daily over uneven terrain (with my bad back).

4. I want to visit Europe.

Money.

5. I want to be free of my debts!

Money.  A plan to pay them off would help too.

6. I want to figure out my life!

I have no idea what is holding me back from this one.

7. I want to actually be able to stay in the same place for a long time, make friends, have kids, and have someone to grow old with there.  I would prefer to be able to have a large garden and a lot of woods too.

I would need enough money to buy a place that I want, where I want, and be able to afford to live there with the taxes on it.  I would assume that friends would follow.  No idea how to find someone who wants to grow old and have kids with me.

8. I want to lose weight (I’m 55lbs overweight).

Hypothyroidism, lack of motivation to exercise, lack of motivation to make my own food.

9. I want to be pain-free (I have spinal issues).

I should probably suck it up and see a chiropractor.  Doctors just prescribe me painkillers.  Either they don’t work or they’re opiates and I have some weird reaction to them.

10. I want to have a job that is less stress and more permanent.

I’d need to find another job in a field that is shrinking quickly with lots of competition.  And there’s NO guarantee that I would keep that job.  I don’t know how to keep a job, clearly.

11. I want to have better hygiene.

It’s hard to explain why I don’t have good hygiene.  I hate the cold, so I hate the feeling of coming out of the shower and getting cold afterword.  But I can’t really put a finger on why I’ll avoid brushing my teeth.  And I’ll avoid showering in the summer, too, so I really don’t know what my problem is.

MOOD: Varies from almost good to miserable

 

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