I spent last night at my mom’s house. I didn’t want to be in my apartment alone. I stayed up late, perusing facebook, trying to distract myself and afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I was so dehydrated from all of the crying that my lips were cracked and hurting. I dreamed I had a bite that looked like a mosquito bite, only it was the size of a walnut. It started to bleed from the center, so I squeezed it. Then I looked back a few minutes later and there was another bite next to the first one. That was my whole dream. I don’t often remember my dreams, so I thought it was noteworthy. I awoke at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep.
I was able to calm down today. I still burst into tears whenever I got hugged or someone did a random act of kindness. Even so, I was calmer than yesterday. My outbursts of crying were less random and MUCH less frequent. I did a lot of driving as well. I drove several hours north to visit some very good friends. I listened to an audiobook of the most recent self-help best-seller. It oddly helped me calm down.
I also realized that it was fear that was making me upset. It wasn’t just the fear of losing a man who I thought was right for me in so many ways. It was the fear that I would NEVER find someone who I could grow old with and have kids with and build a family with.
Today’s task is to look at the list of things that I want and write what’s holding me back from getting them.
1. I want to be less emotional!
I fear it’s just my brain chemistry, my character, and the fact that I get too attached to things.
2. I want to be able to balance all of the aspects of my life better.
I may have too many things going on. I also get too focused on one thing at a time, so I’ll ignore all other aspects of my life. By that time, I’m caught in catch-up mode.
3. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail.
Time, money, maybe the inner strength, and possibly the physical ability to carry a pack several miles daily over uneven terrain (with my bad back).
4. I want to visit Europe.
5. I want to be free of my debts!
Money. A plan to pay them off would help too.
6. I want to figure out my life!
I have no idea what is holding me back from this one.
7. I want to actually be able to stay in the same place for a long time, make friends, have kids, and have someone to grow old with there. I would prefer to be able to have a large garden and a lot of woods too.
I would need enough money to buy a place that I want, where I want, and be able to afford to live there with the taxes on it. I would assume that friends would follow. No idea how to find someone who wants to grow old and have kids with me.
8. I want to lose weight (I’m 55lbs overweight).
Hypothyroidism, lack of motivation to exercise, lack of motivation to make my own food.
9. I want to be pain-free (I have spinal issues).
I should probably suck it up and see a chiropractor. Doctors just prescribe me painkillers. Either they don’t work or they’re opiates and I have some weird reaction to them.
10. I want to have a job that is less stress and more permanent.
I’d need to find another job in a field that is shrinking quickly with lots of competition. And there’s NO guarantee that I would keep that job. I don’t know how to keep a job, clearly.
11. I want to have better hygiene.
It’s hard to explain why I don’t have good hygiene. I hate the cold, so I hate the feeling of coming out of the shower and getting cold afterword. But I can’t really put a finger on why I’ll avoid brushing my teeth. And I’ll avoid showering in the summer, too, so I really don’t know what my problem is.
MOOD: Varies from almost good to miserable