January 1, 2015 – What do I want?

The first day of the new year (meaning today), my boyfriend dumped me.  I suppose it had a nice symmetry to it, seeing as we first hooked up on New Years Day last year.  My logic tells me that he was right.  We both wanted different things.  It would have led nowhere.  But for the first time, I was dating a man who was everything I ever needed.  He was steady enough to weather all of my emotional waves.  He was there for me when I needed him to be.  His steadiness gave me a steadiness that I never knew I had.  Of course that didn’t mean that my emotions weren’t still unpredictable at times.  I’m going to miss that.  My emotions tell me that I’m REALLY sad.  I’ve been crying all day and it’s showing no signs of stopping.  I almost wish for one of those moments where I’m numb and lethargic.  It’s SO DIFFICULT to feel so much.  It’s even more difficult not to do anything about it — to just feel.  Because I want a cigarette.  I want to stuff my face. I want to drive or walk somewhere and just keep going.  That seems odd seeing as I’ve already moved 13 times since I left home at the age of 17. And I’m sick of moving.  I just want to stay somewhere with someone, have some kids, a nice garden, some nice woods, and live there the rest of my life.

Instead, I’m living in a TINY apartment (300 square feet) with two cats in a city I don’t like.  It’s been four days since I showered last.  It’s been 9 since I brushed my teeth.  There is cat puke and cat piss on the floor as I sit here typing this and crying my eyes out.  There are a few good things in my life.  I have a job.   I moved here for that job.  I often moved for work.  My profession is one that is generally considered a career.  Most people work at 1-2 places at the most, before they settle down, grow old, and collect retirement. Not me.  I’m on my 8th job in this profession since graduating from college with my master’s degree 11 years ago.  There was some time spent unemployed too.  Moving a lot was tough.  It seemed like as soon as I made friends, it was time for me to move again.  I tried to keep in touch with them, but it was difficult. So I don’t really have any real friends.  I have a few that I still make a point of visiting once or twice a year, but that’s it.

I am in debt $21,374.77, not counting the $47,000 or so dollars my mortgage company says I STILL owe them after the foreclosure.  My car is 3 months behind on its inspection because I know it won’t pass with the check engine light.  Two of my headlights are broken.  One of the fenders is dented in.  I have 227,000 miles on it.  I can’t afford to take care of it and I can’t afford a new one.

Yeah, my life sucks right now.  At least that’s what it seems like.  And maybe I’m just a middle-class 30-somthing bitching about my insignificant woes.  I’m miserable though.  I have issues.  Anybody at any pay grade can get that though.  The one thing I really can’t complain about is my family.  My mom and sisters (including their spouses) are always there for me.  They live anywhere from 2-4.5 hours away, but they’re as helpful as they can be at a long distance.  The only text I had when I turned on my phone this morning was from my dad wishing me a happy new year.  I tried to contact a few far-off friends to tell them what happened and hoped that it would seem like someone actually cared about me.  A few responded a few lines of print, but what could they all actually do from a 2-10 hour drive away?  Right now, my family is the only one who cares about me.  Them and my cats.  I can’t figure out why, because I never took care of them well.  Sure, they never starved, but I was often away and very poor at cleaning their litter box.  I’m going to head up to my mom’s house in a few minutes.

But back to the question that’s kinda the tagline in today’s post: What do I want?  I want SO many things!  I want to be less emotional!  I want to be able to balance all of the aspects of my life better.  I want to hike the Appalachian Trail.  I want to visit Europe.  I want to be free of my debts!  I want to figure out my life!  I want to actually be able to stay in the same place for a long time, make friends, have kids, and have someone to grow old with there.  I would prefer to be able to have a large garden and a lot of woods too.  I want to lose weight (I’m 55lbs overweight).  I want to be pain-free (I have spinal issues).  I want to have a job that is less stress and more permanent. I want to have better hygiene. I want so many things!  Maybe it’s just my state of mind right now, but I don’t expect to get any of them.  I feel like I can write anything here, but maybe that’s just because this is anonymous and nobody is going to read it anyway.

MOOD: Can’t stop crying
OUTLOOK ON LIFE: Fucking sux



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